The smell of sunscreen and the sight of chubby men mowing the lawn sans shirt can mean only two things: You’re having that dream again, or summer is finally here. Will this month be one of splendor or one of unsightly pit stains and mosquito bites the size of eggs? Read on…
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Question number 14 of your final exam contains a secret message about sex. Try not to giggle or become aroused. Your final grades will be better than expected, but only if you believe in yourself and in Hoopsy, the cosmic lady of Jupiter who grants wishes and eats fear. What begins as a bad date will end in true love. What begins as a soda cup will end in a funny hat. Shouldn’t you be studying? Never lick a spark. Your lucky Super Mario enemy is Bullet Bill.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Increase test scores by 15% simply by being 15% more intelligent. Your final grades will depend greatly on your ability to dissolve metal with your mind, or your ability to know angles. No one likes a tattletale or a turtle tail. They make lousy presents. When in doubt, use fewer oats. There may be a very small black hole in your closet. Don’t be afraid. It can’t harm you unless you touch it, approach it, look at it, smell it, or think about it. Tomorrow night’s dinner will be disappointing. Tomorrow night’s ostrich will be shocking. Your lucky Super Mario enemy is Lakitu.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You need to say “ka-boom” more, or else bad things will happen to your pets. If you ask a Leo for money, the money will be wet. In two weeks, you will meet a mysterious stranger. This is going to be amazing! Wear something sexy, but not slutty; try not to sweat; and bring a highlighter and a doll that you won’t mind burning. Your final test scores will make you say, “Whatever,” or, “I want hot dogs.” Ease test anxiety by wrapping a cool towel around your face, and then chop a tree (or eel) in half with your bare hands. Your lucky Super Mario enemy is Stilt Guy.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Worrying about final exams will only make it worse, as will starting fires and slapping a bear in the eye. You need to focus on your future as a ghost photographer. Didn’t know you were going to be a ghost photographer? Surprise! Most of what you’ve been taught regarding the ocean and berries has been a lie. Learn to use a harp as a weapon and you will never go hungry again. When playing checkers, never move East. Your lucky Super Mario enemy is Waluigi.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
When diving into the pool, always dive ear-first. A friend will ask for money. This is why you should lick all your money, so when you give it your friend, you can cackle, “Ha! I totally licked that $18!” You won’t need much hair this month, so cease collecting hair. Take only what you can eat, but remember that it is possible to eat a squirrel. When lightning strikes, don’t just stand there. Fight back! It’s up to you to defend this planet from the tyranny of lightning! Your lucky Super Mario enemy is Octoboo.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Your final grades will be wonderful if you study hard and drink plenty of potato juice. The stove is not a toy, a vehicle, or a friend. You may or may not see Tom Hanks tomorrow, but hope for the best and prepare for the worst. The mayor thinks you’re adequate. Going swimming? Don’t forget to bring a towel and fork. Your lucky Super Mario enemy is Koopa Paratroopa.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
The human body cannot digest lightning. You’re intelligence will be tested this month, as will your ability to deal with ghost tigers. When entering a hot car, trying sobbing uncontrollably and letting the tears cool you off (a maneuver called The Dan Bergstein Summer Shower). Love will find you in the movie theater. Awful Nate will also find your there, and he’s bad news. Beware. Your lucky Super Mario enemy is Big Boo.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
For good luck, type a sentence about farms, but make it funny and sexy. When dancing, try to focus less on your feet and more on the scary man in the corner. A penguin is not smart enough to send an email, so if you receive an email from “Penguin,” it could be a trap. On the last day of school, tell your crush how you feel in a song. And then, before your crush can respond, move to an underwater research facility where no one can ever find you and you shall never know shame. Your lucky Super Mario enemy is Thwomp.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
By the end of the week, you will find a bag that will contain everything you need for a night of wild partying and bird catching. The towel is wet, but not with water. Beware. Your friend is in trouble and needs your help and a trapeze. Think twice before buying grapes, roller skates, and periscopes. Study the history of chairs before going to bed, as this information will be very useful tomorrow…and for the rest of your life. Your lucky Super Mario enemy is Chain Chomp.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to buying unwanted Linkin Park songs. You will find happiness in a book that does not mention zebras at all. Take time to appreciate the small things, such as toothpicks, raisins, protozoa, and kitten teeth. Visit the place that first comes to mind when you think of the word “omnipresent.” Hold your nose and cover your eyes when walking past people named Sarah. Your lucky Super Mario enemy is Blooper.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Turn off the lights and listen to any Shakira song eight times in a row. You will see your future in the darkness. Before final exams, make sure you study more math and horses. Especially horses. This summer will end in happiness, but begin in spider anxiety. You will find treasure at the bottom of the pool and dead leaves on the top of the pool. Say no to drugs and magnetism. Your lucky Super Mario enemy is Bob-omb.
Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
The garage sale will lead to magic and wonder. You are not allowed to say the word “unicorn” for the entire month. If you do, your toes will fuse together. The answer to question #8 is “Calcium chloride” or “4(y/x) Eli Whitney.” The missing flip-flop dwells in a place void of light, and shall only be found when you are worthy. Good luck will find you if you wave your hands wildly to get luck’s attention. Screaming, “Hey, luck! Over here!” wouldn’t hurt either. Your lucky Super Mario enemy is Dry Bones.
How's your month shaping up so far?
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