Identifying the (Pretentiously) Perfect Facebooker

amaryllismoon was inspired to write this post after reading Identifying the Typical Female Facebooker; keep in mind that her sarcasm hand is RAISED.—Sparkitors

Let’s face it; everyone on Facebook has pretty much the IQ of a rhino. Posting pointless statuses, writing pointless notes, oh-so-desperately seeking attention… But not you. You’re above it all, and you know it. Like Mary Poppins, you are practically perfect in every way!  And here’s how you show it.

1. The profile picture. Unlike all those other girls making duck faces in a mirror or webcam, your picture isn’t even of you!  It’s an inanimate object, or a cartoon, or a Pokemon. You’re too cool to engage in all that nonsense, like fishing for compliments or having your best friends feel appreciated because you made their picture of you your profile picture. Instead you bask in the wake of the occasional  “that’s not you!” comment. You smile and nod, feeling like a boss.

2. The relationship status. You don’t have one!  You don’t even put it on your page. Even if you’re in a relationship, no one would know it, because you don’t want to broadcast your personal life to the entire world. You feel so sly knowing that your crush will be wondering for days whether or not you’re dating that girl who took a picture with you (and dared to tag it).

3.  The info box. It’s a quote. Most of the time it’s ambiguous, and most of the time it makes no sense to the majority of people.  Maybe it’s the lyrics to some unknown indie band or a quote from literary book that you’ve read exactly once–and even then, only to gain some hipster cred for reading it.  Or you have an ironic statement that pretty much states the obvious but is just oh-so-witty.

4. The status updates. The key word here is irony. You know you’re better than those girls who post about heartbreaks, and you want to show it. There are lots of song lyrics and quotes from obscure bands or obscure people. Posts like, “Insert witty comment about American Idol here” are very common. You constantly make fun of these stereotypical Facebookers by posting statuses like: ”liek omg, i’m just so kool guyz cus i can tawk liek thees!”  You either rarely post statuses because you like to think that your lack of activity shows that you have a life, or you post innumerable statuses to show how witty, unattainable, and cool you can be.  You also post lots of links.

5. Notes. You participate in these surveys solely to show how sarcastic and hilarious you are. You answer questions ridiculously literally, and you refuse to admit whether you like anyone or not. You broadly interpret everything (relationships to you mean every friendship, romantic relationship, etc.) even though you know what was originally intended, and you often call questions stupid or pointless to show how above all this you are.

6.  You don’t realize that this may be just as stereotypical and obnoxious as the oh-so-typical Facebook girl, boy, or whatever you’re looking down upon. Trust me. It is. You won’t know it though; you’re pretentiously perfect in every way.

We alllll know someone like this, right?

Related post: Identifying the Typical Female Facebooker