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How to Tame Your Velociraptor

How to Tame Your Velociraptor

We've always wanted a murderous dinosaur friend, and now, thanks to Flyergirl13, we can have one!—Sparkitors

I recently became obsessed with velociraptors. I mean, how can you not? If you've ever seen Jurassic Park, you know how deadly these beautiful carnivores can be. Just fantastic. They're like the ninjas of the Jurassic Period.

I recently won a velociraptor playing cards. The dude playing against me was kind of sketchy, though. I can't be certain, but I'm pretty sure he had a creepy voice coming out of the back of his head. But anyway, I got a velociraptor, which I have tamed to be my personal ninja assassin. If you follow my advice, you may get through the process with all of your fingers intact, though that's a big maybe.

Step One: Name Your Dinosaur. This one is important. You need a suitably epic name.  If it is not epic, your velociraptor will not be epic. For example: "Killer" is not epic.  Neither is "Bob" or "Fido" or "Staple Gun" or "Oedipus".

DO: Find a name with the right mix of awesomeness. Specifically, 47.3% epic, 12.9% evil, 9.317% crazy, 23.027% ninja, and 7.456% random. My velociraptor is named "Westley" because I name everything Westley.  Other suitable names may be "Velocimort," "Darth Velociraptor," "Frodo", "Dan Bergstein," "Jelly Bean," "R2D2," or "This-Dinosaur-Will-Eat-You-Slowly-If-You-Don't-Accept-Me-As-Supreme-Dictator".

DON'T: Use something overused. Or boring. Or anything with the word "peanuts".

Step Two: Arm Your Dinosaur. No ninja assassin dinosaur is complete without its weapons. This may include katanas, light sabers, and a death gaze of pure death. Equip your velociraptor according to its talents.

DO: Go to your local light saber store and buy a few for your dinosaur. Buy a couple extra because a) The velociraptor may break a few of them before it gets the hang of it and 2) Once you see your pet with one you'll want one yourself, if you don't already.

DON'T: Forget to buy a shield. Dinosaurs learn by doing and practicing, and they'll most likely be practicing on your face.

Step Three: Train Your Dinosaur: This involves a long process of having your velociraptor practice assassinating people. First, create drills where they tear the stuffing out of scarecrows. Then, have them improve their stealthy by stealing one of your grandmother's pudding cups.

DO: Have fun with your drills. When teaching your velociraptor to swim, have it swim in Loch Ness.

DON'T: Get too overboard fueling conspiracy theories, lest someone catch on and lock your beloved pet in some research place that involves needles and people in lab coats. Think Maximum Ride, with dinosaurs.

Step Four: Sic Your Dinosaur. Your velociraptor has completed its training and taming. You are now ready to unleash it on the world!  Argghh! To threaten people, use the following poem, which I have personally composed. Just fill in the blanks with what you want done, and if it doesn't get done, Mr. Muffins will be making some late-night house calls.

"Roses are red
Violets are blue
Or I'll sic a velociraptor on you"

DO: Cite me. Seriously. That poem is mine. If you use it, please add a little footnote crediting my genius. Just a request. You know, if you don't want Westley under your bed at 3 in the morning making robot noises.

DON'T: Go overboard with the assassinating people. It's generally frowned upon, you know?

Got any tricks for training one of these babies? We've found that they can't get enough of maple syrup.

Related post: Flyergirl13 Tells You How

Topics: Life
Tags: guides, ninjas, funny things, how to, flyergirl tells you how, velociraptors

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