Forks and Phone Conversations

By Contributor

May 30, 2011

17-year-old Scott-Free is blogging THE RULES, the ultimate dating guide book, as he travels the country. —Sparkitors

This post is dedicated to Forks, Washington, because I passed through that little town this week, and I saw the shadow of Twilight covering it. The Chamber of Commerce building had cardboard cutouts of Bella, Jacob, Edward (two of him, actually—as if one wasn’t enough), and even Alice standing awkwardly by the door to the girl’s bathroom! The look on her face clearly said, “I know what’s in your future.”

This town has sold its soul to Stephenie Meyer. If they have cardboard cutouts of Robert Pattinson in the Chamber of Commerce, what do you think the heads of business in the town talk about when they have their meetings?

Chairman: I hereby call this meeting of the Forks Chamber of Commerce together! Will everyone please remove their fake teeth?

(Murmurs and mutters as everyone complies.)

Chairman: First item on the list: would Bella have fallen in love with Jacob if Edward didn’t exist?

Mrs. Ochre: Mr. Chairman, I object to the question! It assumes that Bella did not fall in love with Jacob in the first place.

Mr. Vacillate: Excuse me, Mr. Chairman, but I was hoping we could discuss whether or not this town is safely prepared for an attack by the Volturi.

See what Mr.Vacillate did there? He changed the subject—steered it away from love. And this brings me to Rule #5.

Rule #5: Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls. “If you are following The Rules religiously, there is no reason to call him. He should be calling you, and calling you again and again until he pins down a date.

“To call men is to pursue them, which is totally against The Rules. They will immediately know that you like them and possibly lose interest!”

Okay, I’ve been lenient in judgments on this book up to this point, but this takes the whole “hard to get” thing to a ridiculous level. "They will immediately know that you like them"? If you two are going out, then isn’t it sort of a given that you two like each other?

Also, this book was written roughly fifteen years ago. Texting and Facebook hadn’t come along. So nowadays it would be almost impossible not to ever start a conversation with a guy, wouldn’t it?

Now, I don’t think you and your fancy should talk for hours. Being in a relationship is an easy excuse for procrastination and not hanging out or talking with friends. Also, I tend to notice that it will keep things interesting if you leave each other wanting more—that’s how a good relationship should be. But that’s mutual, not on one side.

The rest of the chapter is mostly silliness building on this rule, like “…sometimes we call a man we are dating not to speak to him, but just to hear his voice. We feel that we are simply going to die if we don’t hear his sexy voice this minute! That’s understandable. We suggest you call his home answering machine when he’s at work. Hang up before the beep. It really works.”

Yeah, sure it really works—or really worked, in the days before caller ID, when Mr. Right wouldn’t come home, see that Miss Hard-To-Get called him fifteen times and hung up before the beep, and realize that he’s dating a prankster/psychopath.

Verdict on Rule #5: Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls: Neh! And a very resounding Neh! at that! E-Fein and Shusher’s current score is:
Yehs: 2
Hmaybes: 1
Nehs: 2

Scott-Free’s Dating Tip of the Week: Be sure to prepare for bikini season by getting a bikini permit and sharpening your bikini spears. Those bikinis won’t hunt themselves!

Do you agree with the No Call rule?

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