Signs You're Too Attached To Your Dog
That little pile of fluffy goodness may be your best friend, but he probably shouldn't be your only friend, your prom date, or your reason for being kicked out of multiple fine-dining establishments. ("If she can't eat at the table, then I'm going to eat on the floor with her! Just try and stop m—wow. So, this is what the sidewalk feels like.") Here are a few ways to tell when you've crossed over from loving pet owner to dog-obsessed Caesar Milan-worshipper.
- When you're with her, you wear a tail and ears so she thinks her "mommy" is also a dog.
- You lick him.
- Words you spell in front of him have gone beyond the basics of w-a-l-k and b-a-l-l, and have spread into the realm of i-c-a-n-t-i-n-s-u-l-t-h-i-m-w-i-t-h-t-a-p-w-a-t-e-r-h-e-o-n-l-y-d-r-i-n-k-s-p-e-r-r-i-e-r.
- You decide that whatever you do, your dog should also do. As it turns out, both you and Sparky are now vegetarian base jumpers. (Weirdly, only one of you crushed the AP Chem exam.)
- When you talk to him, you expect answers. In English.
- You consult with her about what she wants to do for each day of her birthday month.
- You introduce him as "my soulmate."
- He eats better than you do.
- You use more product on her hair than you do on your own.
- You've signed her up for Twitter, and now you agonize over her ways to increase her follower base.
- You get frustrated with him when he doesn't respond to your telepathic messages.
- You backed out of a friend's party because she was looking "really depressed."
- You stopped listening to The Decemberists because "Colin Meloy's voice sometimes makes him sneeze."
- You personally design and hand-craft her chew toys from specially-ordered elk sinew.
- As a bonding experience, you tried rolling in roadkill. And you liked it.
Are you too attached to your dog? How do you know?
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