Summer is a special time for hair, and the beach makes it so. No one ever talks about Sexy, Static-y Wool Hat Hair or Sexy, Gnarled Ski Lift Hair, or even Sexy, Limp Lake Water Hair. No. The look we all want is that devil-may-care, I've-been-too-busy-frolicking-in-the-sand-and-surf-to-notice-my-hair-let-alone-brush-it look. There's something about the lusciously unkempt, tousled waves that saltwater produces in even the most stick straight of locks that says, "Isn't life great? Let's enjoy it with abandon, shall we?"
For those of us who don't live at the beach—like say those of us who live in Nashville, TN—how would one go about getting this sexy, wavy, beachy look? We've got three hard ways and one easy way.
Method 1: Rise early, around 3 a.m. or so, to track down the closest source of salt- or brackish water. This may require some travel. While oceans are preferable, lagoons, estuaries, marshes, large-scale aquariums, shrimp farms, dunking booths and mangroves are acceptable. Hold breath. Dip head in water. Remove any debris, like reeds, algae, or sea horses. Let dry. This will need to be repeated every morning throughout the summer, so you might want to give up on the idea of sleep. In fact, it might just be better to move to the beach.
Method 2: If Mohammed will not go to the beach, then the beach must come to Mohammed. Or something like that. Use all of the money from your summer job pumping butter flavor on stale popcorn to construct a saltwater pool in your backyard. Of course it will be difficult explaining to your family, friends and neighbors that this is a hair pool, and they are not allowed to swim in it, lest their sweaty, grimy bodies upset the delicate saline balance you have achieved. You will have no friends, but your hair will look fantastic... until winter, when it will be too cold to let hair air dry but you will still have no friends because everyone heard that Crazypants McGee constructed a hair pool over the summer.
Method 3: Using an electron microscope and nanoruler, divide hair from the scalp into 16 equal portions. Spritz with newborn baby tears you've collected from your summer job as a candy striper. Using a counterclockwise twirling method, wrap sections around mastodon tusks. Pin to scalp. While hair gets dry, but not too dry, listen to the perennial summer hit "Cruel Summer" by 1980s female dancing acting singing phenomenon Bananarama. Unravel and comb out with brush made of hardened egg whites and Lee Press-On Nails. Apply whipped collagen cream to tips.
Method 4: Spritz damp hair with a texturizer like Bumble & Bumble Surf Spray, Fekkai Océanique Tousled Wave Spray or Marine Summer Hair Beach Waves, or Aussie Catch the Wave Mousse & Leave-in Conditioner. Scrunch or braid loosely (for shorter hair, twist sections and pin loosely to head) and let air dry or sleep on it. Use fingers to comb out. Use a medium or large-barrel curling iron to fix any wacky pieces.
How do you coif your mane in the summer?
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