Auntie SparkNotes: How Not To Be Creepy

Hey Auntie!

So I go to a small school, like 25-kids-in-the-graduating-class small. So the dating selection is a bit slim to put it mildly. This lack of a selection makes it difficult to date. I have given up on the girls in my school altogether. Most of my friends know people outside of the school but I know very few. My question is, how can I introduce myself to girls on Facebook without being/seeming creepy?

Unfortunately, Sparkler, the short answer is as follows:

You can't.

Because creepy is subjective. I mean, sure, there are certain means of introduction that are definitively creepy—anything that involves leaving a dead animal on your crush's porch, for instance, should be avoided. But most of the time, "creepy" is just shorthand for "a person who is interested in me, in whom I am not interested." What's creepy in one context can be considered charming in another... which is why two guys can approach the same girl, with the same intentions, and deliver the same exact line... but the one with the winning smile and chiseled jawline will get her number, whereas the one with the B.O. and the face like a squirrel will be rejected outright and later referred to as "that creepy stalker." (Although, for the record, this is a crappy and immature way to behave—and if you've ever called a would-be suitor "creepy" when his or her only crime was failing to be personally attractive to you, you don't deserve to be dating at all.)

So if you're introducing yourself to girls on Facebook, it should be with the understanding that some of them will think you seem creepy no matter what—not because you actually are creepy, but because they're immature and it's easier to call you "creepy" than to acknowledge that attraction is a matter of taste.

That said, though, there are three good rules you can follow to drastically reduce your Creep Factor on Facebook. As follows:

1. Choose girls to whom you're already connected. Friends of friends are good, people you've actually met once or twice are ideal, and those from whom you're separated by more than three degrees should be avoided. For the girls you approach, knowing that you have a friend in common— i.e. a trusted third party who can vouch that you're not a serial killer—can make the difference between creepy stranger and cute suitor.

2. Find common ground right away. If not through your social circle, then through your mutual interests. It's about breeding familiarity, which is the opposite of creepiness. (And actually, this same principle applies to meeting new people in person. You wouldn't walk up to a random stranger and demand her phone number; you'd say hello, introduce yourself, figure out if you know the same people or frequent the same places, and see what you have in common.) A message that says, "Hey, this is [Your Name] didn't I meet you at Friend's party?" or "I noticed you like [Local Band] too, did I see you at their concert on Friday?" will always work better than an instant come-on.

3. And finally, be a gentleman. Here's a fun story: back in 2005, when Auntie SparkNotes was a single lady and MySpace was the social network of choice, I got a message from a young man who—like you!—was hoping to network his way to a real-life date. Except instead of a polite introduction that included some mention of his interests, hobbies, or occupation, this guy's message just said, "OMG UR SO SEXY GIRL I LIIIKE THE WAY UR BOOBS R POOPIN OUT OF UR DRESS... WANNA TAKE U OUT GIRL CALL ME XXXX."

Which is to say, if you don't want to be creepy, then don't be a creep. On Facebook, just as in real life, people read between the lines based on how you present yourself—except the stakes are higher, since if you make a bad impression online, you can't make up for it with a winning smile and a well-timed witticism. So use proper spelling and punctuation, be polite and engaged, and for the love of all that is good and pure, do not make any references to boobs—"POOPIN" or otherwise.

Follow these guidelines, and with any luck, you'll find yourself getting to know some perfectly lovely young ladies on the internet.
But if not... well, there's always the old-fashioned way.

Got any tips for our aspiring non-creep? Hit up the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Go Facebook Yourself