In honor of Appreciation Week, here is one thing I’m very appreciative of: coherent storytelling. Here’s something I’m not appreciative of: Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End, the third Pirates movie. If you, or anyone you know, can explain the entire plot of this movie in a single sentence that doesn’t rely on any “stuff happens” or “things occur,” then I will give you 1,000 Dan Points and a new hat.
Because the third movie made as much sense as liquid socks, my interest in the fourth movie, coming out this Friday, has dropped to just above “Hungry Yawn.” Pirates 3 had so much going for it: Great cast, director, effects, and characters. So how did it end up so badly?
It’s not Johnny Depp’s fault. Captain Jack Sparrow is still one of the great movie characters of our time. The scenes with Jack are always fun to watch, even if you have no clue what everyone is talking about. So Johnny, if you’re reading this, rest assured that I don’t blame you. (When you get a chance, can I have my Wii controller back? F’anks!)
The story is to blame. The first movie was great. The second movie was a tad confusing, but there was always hope that things would be wrapped up nicely in the third film. And then, about eight hours into the third movie, audience members were left scratching their heads and whimpering, “But…but…did he die? Why are they in Asia? So is Orlando Bloom immortal? Who killed that guy? Is that woman supposed to be so tall? Is she nice? Is Orlando Bloom going to show us his belly soon? Who are those rich guys? Why is his dad saying words that make no sense? Why are they doing whatever the hell it is that they are doing? Is Jack a ghost? What does Orlando Bloom’s belly taste like? Didn’t that guy die? Can we get Coldstone after the movie?”
Those aren’t my questions, mind you, but simply a smattering of queries I overheard when I first watched Pirates of the Caribbean 3: Who Needs Plot. To help understand the movie better so that we may all enjoy the fourth installment this weekend, I’m asking for your help. Explain the third movie. Please. If you need two sentences, that’s fine. Use three if you must. Add a flow chart for extra credit. But tell us exactly what happened. We desperately need the SparkNotes for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End.
The good news is that Johnny Depp is making a point to say that Pirates 4 tells a simpler story. He seems to agree that the last movie was a bit convoluted. So even if we’re still left in the dark regarding all the maps, magic, oaths, and whatnot from the third movie, we still might be able to watch the fourth without a headache so painful our liquid socks hurt.
And if you want to watch a movie that is based solely on logic and science, watch Back to the Future tonight along with me during the Facebook live blog at 8 p.m. (est) as part of the SparkNotes Movie Club.
Who will rise to meet Dan's challenge?
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Topics: Entertainment, Celebs & Stuff
Tags: movies, disney, confusing things, appreciation days, pirates of the carribbean
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