A Continuing Education in Being EPIC
It is a little-known fact that being epic is an everyday sort of thing—you don’t just BECOME that way and then STAY that way forever without effort. It takes years of setting things on fire, perfecting cool one-liners, and moodily staring at walls to become epic. And as if that weren’t hard enough, you have to actually continue being epic. You have to KEEP burning refuse, spouting witticisms, and flipping your hair dramatically. It’s not an easy life, but it is an awesome one filled with wonder and meaning and pretend riches. Fortunately, now that you’ve all had time to master the tips from lesson number one, you’re ready to move on to bigger and better things. Brace yourself for...
A CONTINUING EDUCATION IN EPIC-NESS.
Read the above phrase in an internally powerful voice. A booming voice. A VOICE FULL OF THUNDER.
Part one: Making your lame hobbies…EPIC! So maybe you’re into drinking water. Or sock puppetry. Or reading pamphlets in your room for hours on end. That’s great and all, but you should probably keep that to yourself, right? WRONG! Now that you’re an intermediate student in the school of EPIC-OCITY, everything you do is certifiably awesome. How? Well it all depends on the execution. For example:
The Lame Truth: I like to Google photos of dolphins all day long and then print them out and mail them to my grandma!
Socially Acceptable: Using the wonders of the internet, I admire the beauty of aquatic animals with my loved ones.
HOLY CRAP THAT’S EPIC: I’m planning an expedition to the middle of the ocean. There, my kick-boxing grandmother and I will locate dolphins using only internet photos and a fishing boat. We will then create an alliance with the dolphins and proceed to rule the oceans with an iron fist, controlling all sea trade and marine life.
The Lame Truth: I like to knit mittens for my cats! I have 34 of them! They each have 3 pairs of wee little mittens!
Socially Acceptable: I’m starting an experimental fashion line for animals that may make me rich.
HOLY CRAP THAT’S EPIC: I am currently training a feline army. Each cat is taught karate, assassination, and the piano. Right now I’m teaching them how to use mittens to conceal grenades and tiny pianos. And also regular sized pianos. It’s going rather well.
The Lame Truth: I collect stuffed unicorns! AND I SLEEP WITH THEM EVERY NIGHT! MY FAVORITES ARE NAMED WILLIAM HOWARD TAFT AND SULLIVAN JONES! I like to pretend they are roommates in a wacky sitcom in which their neighbor is an eccentric stuffed duck cleverly named “The QUACK-er Oatmeal Guy” and crazy hi-jinks ensue! I love my stuffed animals. I love them so, so much.
Um…I haven’t really figured out how to fix this one yet.
Part Two: Liking things that are inherently awesome. Some things are better than other things. This is a universal truth. But another truth is that there are things which are awesome and will automatically make you awesome. Unless you go and suck them up somehow. Like with a crappy prequel trilogy. But that would never happen.
1. Epic trilogies. If you run around dressed in a robe waving around a cardboard tube and making “VRRRRMMM! BZZZZOOOOM!” sounds normally, people stare at you weird. But if you do that exact same thing as a jedi, you are a remarkable human being. Since you will probably never be a jedi, just pretend to be one and also make a tauntaun reference every once in a while. This same principle holds true with hobbits and hardy, bearded men.
2. Astronauts. They are awesome because not only do they fly into space and wear shiny helmets, they also wrestle aliens and make huge explosions just because a dumb asteroid is in the way of their cool, cool spaceship.
3. Ladles. Because spoons are for wussies.
4. Wearing mismatched clothing. Why? Because when your shirt is orange and your pants are blue and also actually a decorative tea towel, you’re saying, “WHOA, man. I’ve got better things to do with my time than match my shoes to my belt. Those swords aren’t going to just wield themselves.”
Part Three: Other things that you should know and do but that aren’t really categorized because organization is for mathematicians and also squared and you don’t want to be either, do you?
1. Never actively participate. You’re an adolescent. That would be, like, so uncool.
2. Say things that are completely out of context and yet also indisputable. For example, any time is a good time to say, “Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete” or “key lime pie is delicious and I’m very good at making it.”
3. Start your conversations with a bang. Don’t just be all, “Hey guys, what’s up?” when you COULD say, “HAIL, BRETHEREN! GO WE TO BATTLE ON THE MORNING?!?!”
4. Imply. You should imply things all the freaking time because if you didn’t actually SAY it, then no one can get mad. If I imply someone is psycho and then they turn out to be psycho, I’m witty and perceptive. But if they aren’t, then DUDE, stop being so sensitive that comment wasn’t about your mental health AT ALL, chill.
5. Give yourself well-earned badges of honor. That way you can say that you have earned 234 awards in the past month. I’ve personally given myself the “Coyotes Did Not Maul Me Today” badge of honor recently. These types of medals and ribbons make excellent conversation starters at parties.
6. Have riveting philosophical debates with yourself, your friends, your mom, and reluctant passerby. Where does your lap go when you stand up? Why are birds such jerks in general? What is the purpose of the color blue?
7. On a scale from 1 to 10, always choose 4 or 6, no matter the topic, because it says, “Yeah, I have an opinion on this. But it’s cool. Whatever.”
And THAT'S how to continue being epic.
Are you currently, or have you ever at any point, been epic? Were there swords involved?
Related post: Megan's Life Lessons: How To Be Significantly More Epic