No Pulse, No Problem: Crushin' On Dead People

mysticjadeshoe tells you "how to hit it up with your dead homie!"—Sparkitors

It's picture-perfect:  you and your crush are happily in love. You're set for life. You never want anyone else but him/her. The only problem?

Your first date was in his/her tomb.

But don't bust out those smelling salts just yet! From Abraham Lincoln to Zane Grey, if your crush is dead, I can help you out here! Just follow these simple steps and you and your cuddle muffin can get right back to frolicking.

1. Realize that this isn't anyone's fault. Ah, death; it's a normal fact of life and you two can get over it together, alright?! So stay positive! If you love each other, that's all that really matters!

2. Invest in a puppet machine. Like that guy in Fringe that re-animated his crush via marionette and then tried to bring her back to life?! Hahaha... um... Skip this step.

3. Assuming you skipped the previous step, now is the time to get personal. It's time to perform a seance and get to know more of the dead better. Expand your views on the dead. (Note: This is where most people fail and fall in love with another dead person. DO NOT DO THIS. The dead are vengeful people and your ex will not hesitate to reanimate his/herself for the sole purpose of eating your brains.)

4. Never, under any circumstances, bring them flowers. Flowers are alive and beautiful, and your dead crush will not like that. Instead bring them rotting animal carcasses or a hamburger, as they like dead things much better.

5. Go forward! Maintain an open mind with your love, keep a strong heart (and a stronger nose), and all will go well, I assure you!

Just...don't come crying to me when your psychologist locks you up when you look for puppet materials.

We don't know whether to be creeped out or super-excited that George Washington will soon be OURS.

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