May Horoscopes

May is a time of fresh air, flowers, and happy fluffy clouds. It could also be a time of sneezing so hard that your eyes squirt out of your skull. How will you fare? Read on, if you dare. (Hey! That last part totally rhymed! Extra credit! Extra credit!)

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
It’s never OK to hurt a baby horse, unless you’ve been to the future and know that the horse will one day grow up to be an evil warlord. Triangles and deli meats may try to trick you this month. You won’t need a pencil tomorrow, but you will need a heavy egg. Find love by greeting people with, “Welcome to the murder dome!” Your lucky song is the Super Mario Bros. theme, played by one person, on two guitars.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You should invert yourself at least twice a day to give your skin and pancreas a healthy glow. A knot will make you late, but a hammer will make you sexy. Before leaving the house tomorrow, check the mirror and throw flour over your shoulder to make sure you’re not being followed by a demon or poltergeist. Jessica is wrong. Mike is a liar. Sarah-Jo is stealing your hair for some strange, sick reason. Find success through plastic utensils. Your lucky song is that “Fireflies” song by Owl City that we all forgot about. But it’s only lucky when hummed out of tune by die-hard Owl City fans.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Your ear is not a pocket. Use your charm and friendly manner this month to get discounts on food and pianos. When the clock strikes twelve, attack! The hatless person in your school has a crush on you. This person is also cape-less and does not wear giant lapel pins. You will find good fortune by repurposing a porpoise, but don’t you dare use the term “re-porpoising,” or else everyone you know will die. Your lucky song is Jennifer Lopez’s “On the Floor,” and we’re very sorry about that.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good things will happen if you clap in an opposite manner, slamming together the tops of your hands instead of your palms. (It’s a style of clapping we are hereby calling “zlapping.”) The letter R of your keyboard is covered in a deadly virus. The letter K is covered in a hilarious virus that tickles. When you hear three knocks, quickly protect your throat. Find success by using a saw and grapefruits. Your lucky song is the theme to Elmo’s World, but sung in a slow, menacing manner.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
When in doubt, guess “Norway.” You need to be more concerned with the way you treat the elderly and caves. Never wear hot pink in May—or cold pink. Tepid pink is OK, as long as it’s above the waist. You will fall in love with someone who shares a name with a character from The Power Rangers. There is something wrong with the floor, but investigating will only lead to horror. Stay away from Bohrium. Your lucky song is Katy Perry’s “E.T.” played backwards.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You have nothing to fear except the possibility of ruining your pants in an embarrassing way next Thursday. When you least it expect it, a piece of dried ketchup will make you laugh loudly. Hang up on anyone who uses the word “pastry.” The third door you walk through tomorrow will lead to trouble, but the fourth door will lead to love. The fifth door will lead to something that smells like soup, but isn’t soup. Your lucky song of the month is Miley Cyrus singing Nirvana’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” We're really sorry about that, but honestly, it's out of our control.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Whatever you do, don’t look out of any windows for the next 56 hours. Do you want to fall in love? Then why are you wearing those shoes? This month, you must eat a dozen types of fruit, and every variety of corn. When assigned a difficult task, always remember: Clouds are really just flying water. Rest easy knowing that the dead body secretly buried in your backyard was recently moved under mysterious circumstances. Your lucky song this month is “White Christmas.” How the hell did that happen?

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Never be afraid to speak your mind or hum your spleen. Stay strong during difficult times, because no one wants to hear you whine about the bunched up sock in your shoe. You should have a friend named Beth. If you don’t have one, you really screwed up somehow. Get on that! Find a new way to eat cheese. Take the road less traveled, unless that road smells like gasoline. Your lucky song this month is the opening song of The Lion King, but sung by someone who is making up all the lyrics on the spot.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You are going to have a wonderful month if you keep out of trouble and stay away from salamanders. There’s a secret door in the school auditorium that will lead to love and/or daddy longlegs. You need more money than you think when buying a cage. Try to use less oil and more teeth this month. When drawing a picture of the sun, remember to leave out the sunglasses. The sun doesn’t wear sunglasses. That’s stupid. He’s the damn sun. What? Is he afraid of himself? He does, however, wear a tropical necktie. Your lucky song this month is the Star Wars theme played on bagpipes.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
By the end of this horoscope, someone will play a dirty cruel joke on that may make you weep with anger and frustration. This weekend, you might meet a strange person who happens to kill strangers. Be aware. The light bulb in the kitchen needs to be changed. Sorry that last sentence wasn't about finding love, success, or anything fantastic. Remember: anything can be a tissue in an emergency. You don’t really need new tap shoes. Your lucky song is the theme from Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. Hahahahaha! Just kidding! There is no music in The Birds, you fool!! Hahaha! Oh man! You should see the look on your face. We totally got you. Are you crying? Are you mad at us? Sorry. Haha. Anyway, your real lucky song is the Happy Birthday song but with added, inappropriate lyrics.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Last month we told you to end every email with, “Me like cookie.” We know you didn’t do it. Why must you betray us? Why? Do you think we enjoy using all of our psychic powers just so you can disobey our words? We spend a lot of time writing this, time we could spend making the world a better place or building bridges for those who desperately need bridges. So the next time you decide to go play pinball, or whatever the hell it is you do instead of complying with our instructions, remember that we work hard to help you. If you truly feel sorry, you can show us some respect by beginning every sentence you say this month with, “Howdy, partner.” Then we’ll know you’re serious. Your lucky song is the Badgers Song.

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
You will only sneeze during even-numbered minutes. Plan your big announcements and public speeches accordingly. Find a better way to open treasure chests. You should see at least two bodies of water this month. If you can’t do that, try to see at least five bodies of land and three bodies of air. And looking at a body of fire won’t hurt. You will hear many lies about tightropes this month. The cat you love will not come when you call her name, because she really thinks her name is “Stacey Walnuts.” Your lucky song is any song in which the word “you” in the title is replaced with the letter U.

How's your month shaping up so far?

Related post: April Horoscopes