Auntie SparkNotes: DIY HND? OMG.

Hey Auntie!

Just wanted to say, I've read every single one of your advice columns and they all RULE!!!!! So since you are THE best advice giver ever, I would love some help with my problem.  You see its about *looks around the room, cringing while thinking of the people that could be potentially corrupted* ...ummm masturbating. It's not like I'm asking whether to do it or not, because I want to, and I will (and sort of have already done it? Maybe?) because I know that it's a safe way to explore sexuality, yadda yadda yadda, etc, etc, etc. But I'm a sixteen year old girl who has absolutely no idea about how do go about doing this. I mean I know the general idea but when I tried it, I obviously didn't do it right cause I didn't feel anything. Like nothing. I have no idea how to do it.

I can't look up websites or anything (history being discovered even if I delete it, parents are ninjas) and I do *NOT* feel  comfortable asking my mom or friends or whoever. So since you know everything, can you help me?

Um.
Er.
Sooooo, guys! Is it awkward in here, or is it just me?

Well, okay. First things first: the short answer to your question is that there's no need to panic. You, and every other aspiring DIY HNDer, will generally work it out on your own by poking around down there (gently! and not with anything sharp!) until you figure out what feels good. And yes, it does take a little practice—because sex, even the kind you have with yourself, requires a certain amount of skill that you can only get through, um, on-the-job training.

And which, in the interests of keeping things PG-13 around here, we can't exactly go into graphic detail about.

But since you asked, and since knowledge is power, and since I strive to be the sort of internet pseudo-aunt for whom no question is too weird, I can at least point you in the right direction. And gentlemen, don't go anywhere, either—because while this information may not be immediately useful to you, it is required knowledge if you ever, in your entire life, plan to have sex with a lady. You owe it to your future partners to know your way around the equipment. (Gay guys, you're excused. Go get yourself an ice cream or something.)

And for the record, it's perfectly natural to be confused about this. When it comes to the ladyparts, the sex education you get in school is usually limited to the stuff on the inside—ovaries, uterus, birth canal, and so forth—all of which are highly useful when it comes to reproducing, but have practically nothing to do with what makes sex pleasurable. Those bits, and the nerve endings that let them do their job, are all located on outside of your body. So in order to know what you're doing, please follow these instructions:

1. Head over to Wikipedia (or, for those who are afraid of being found out via internet history, the anatomy section of your local library.)
2. Search, or search the index, for “clitoris.”
3. Stop giggling. That's a scientific term.
4. Click (or flip) your way to the diagram of the female parts, memorize its location, and then—when you've got some privacy, obviously—figure out where yours is. (Hint: start at the big V and head north. If you hit bellybutton, you've gone too far.)

And then... well, actually, that's all you need to know. When it comes to the DIY HND, the clitoris is where the party's at.

STOP GIGGLING.

As for how to bring things to their logical conclusion... well, you're on your own (no pun intended) there. It's a highly individual thing, and it'll probably take a couple tries before you figure out your preferred personal route to O-Town. But don't worry: once you know where to start, you'll be reaching the finish line in no time.

Gently, and not with anything sharp.
Please.
Thank you.
And be sure to lock your door.

Got something to add on this (hurr) touchy subject? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: The 411 on the HND