Scott-Free is blogging the ultimate dating guide, The Rules. This week, he tackle Rule #1: Be a Creature Unlike Any Other. —Sparkitors
This post is dedicated to Barney the Dinosaur, because I have a few choice words for that theropod. Such as, “You’re a carnivore, so I can’t totally believe you when you say ‘I love cake.’ However, I have an easier time believing you when you say ‘I love friends.’ And speaking of friends, why do they keep getting new kids every couple shows? What happens to the replaced kids after the cameras turn off? Don’t you dare tell me it was Baby Bop!”
The Rules says that a desirable woman should be a vegetarian tyrannosaurus. Er, I mean that The Rules says you should be a “creature unlike any other,” which is basically the same thing (and substitutes as the loose tie-in to my dedication for this post).
Which brings us to Rule #1: Be A “Creature Unlike Any Other.”
About being a creature: according to Rules authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, being a creature has nothing to do with how rich you are, or even how beautiful; it’s how you act and how you treat yourself. You move fluidly and sexily, you walk with your shoulders back, and even if you don’t think so, you act as if you’re a runway model. And you don’t talk to men first or for too long.
Well golly, (man-phrase, that one) it looks like The Rules pioneered Confidence Pants even before Auntie SparkNotes coined the phrase. Although, if you do some research, you’ll find many references to Confidence Trousers, Confidence Hose, and even Confidence Loincloths.
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that irons his pants with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall put fabric softener in his load of whites:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their belt-loops tight whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon St. Confidence Pants’ Day.
Franklin D. Roosevelt: The only thing we have to fear is fudge itself—staining, sticky, gooshy chocolate which paralyzes needed efforts to scrub it out, even with OxiClean TM.
General Ulysses S. Grant: How did a no-account drunk Northerner like me defeat the best Confederate general there was, Robert E. Lee? Simple. I pantsed him.
Now, this is where I disagree with these respectable lady authors. They say you should act like something you aren’t and hide your true feelings under a confident layer, and this is the only way you can have men running after you. Even if that’s true, do you have to have guys running after you? It’s great to be wanted, but you'll end up rejecting most of these admirers. And isn’t it better to be approached by a few guys than use a lot of other people’s feelings to make you more at ease with yourself?
But also, as cheesy as this sounds (and as I say this I am putting on my Tinkerbell tutu and white pom-pom slippers and waving my wand), “Just be yourself!” Cultivating a façade isn’t a good thing. It’s as bad as cultivating a flesh-eating plant named Audrey.
I mean, yeah. Be polite and nice, but the fact is that not everyone is a runway model, nor should they be.
However, little tips like not talking too much or blathering on might help make you seem refined. They might make you feel better about yourself too, which is great! But I can almost guarantee you that guys are not thinking about you when they’re talking to you. As a guy, my thoughts are always on myself: “I wonder if she noticed me itch my nose with my pinky. Does she not like guys who itch their noses like that? I knew I should’ve itched it with my middle finger! Here, I’ll do it again—oh shoot! She thinks I just flipped her off! Come back!”
Guys almost definitely aren’t critiquing you. Unless you do something glaring, like…flip them off by accident. Which is a mistake many people make!
So, in conclusion:
Rule #1: Be A “Creature Unlike Any Other.” My vote: Neh. Unless you’re a vegetarian tyrannosaurus. If you aren’t a vegetarian but are a tyrannosaurus, I hear Jonah Hill tastes like fish sticks. (And he kind of looks like one, but that’s beside the point.)
And now for my dating tip of the week!
Scott-Free’s Dating Tip of the Week: You can never give a man too much spare change. Who says you can’t buy affection? Guys love the feel of jingling metal in their pockets, and in lieu of semi-automatic pistols, money works really well. Got a spare penny? Toss it off on them. Or, better yet, toss it off on the sidewalk and watch them scurry away muttering “shiny…”
By the way, if you like my writing, my face, or any part of me, you should like my page on Facebook! It’ll also keep you updated on whatever other internet projects I’m working on. (But not real-world projects. No, sadly, you’ll have to wait until the earth is attacked by hordes of angry, wrinkled pants to find out about my other project, the Ironing Man super suit.)
What’s your vote on Rule #1? Valid, or neh?
Related Post: Blogging The Rules: Meat, Gore, and Mr. Right