A Formula For Succcess: The Secrets Behind Mary Kate and Ashley Movies

We have to confess, runbarirun: we LOVED Winning London when we were 16.—Sparkitors

If you're an average girl who happened to be a preteen in the early 2000s, you've probably seen your fair share of Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. If you're incredibly ashamed of yourself, like me, then these girls were your role models, the image of what you wanted to be when you grew up. Now that we have entered teenage/adulthood, we've been exposed to quality media choices, but I don't have to tell you that there's some pretty awful stuff out there. Sure, atrocities such as the Twilight Saga and Justin Bieber are fun to obsess over, but we can't forget our roots, our past! Since these movies are formulaic in nature, I figured it wouldn't be too difficult to write one myself.

1. The first thing we need is a title and an exotic and/or exciting location. Mary-Kate and Ashley movies rarely have titles that are longer than four words, and they almost always plays off of the location for the movie (ex. When in Rome, which takes place in...Rome.) Alliteration is also good. I'm going to go ahead and throw in two scoops of effort and make my location both exotic and exciting by picking Alaska. If you don't believe that Alaska is exciting and exotic, I can sway you with two words: polar bear. The polar bear is ten times more exciting than a kitten, and three and a half times as exotic as a grizzly bear. Now, since the title must play off of the location of the film, it shall be called...Alaskan Adventure.

2. Now, to develop our main characters. There are going to be six of them: the Olsen twins, their two best friends, and their two hunky love interests.  This may sound like a lot, but don't be deceived into thinking that quantity equals hard work, because our characters don't actually require personalities! Their names are going to have to be a little off-beat and effortlessly cool, and it's usually good to include one of neutral gender; Chloe and Riley Hendricks will suffice. The two friends are significantly less attractive than the twins, and have standard, dull names like Jane and Sally. Now, we need to find two good-looking boys the approximate ages of the twins and give them sporty names, like Kyle or Chad. These boys will obviously like the twins, be able to tell them apart, and will eventually confess their undying love.

3. So...why are we in Alaska? Well, we're in Alaska BECAUSE WE FEEL LIKE IT! But the Olsen twins are in the land of Seward's Folly because it's time for a winter break trip with friends. First off, you need to remember that money is never an object. In fact, it probably doesn't even exist in this alternate universe. That's why they will be traveling via private jet to Canada, private smaller jet into Juneau, and private snowmobile to the ski lodge. The snowmobile does indeed fit into the baggage compartment.

4. Now insert approximately three minutes of what I like to call "The Girl Power Montage." This is the sign that the movie is starting to get entertaining, and that the loosely laid-out plot is slipping through the cracks. The Girl Power Montage consists of a series of short video clips, with various lighting and effects, of the Olsen twins doing something exciting, such as trying on sunglasses, dancing, or riding a jet ski. The audio includes a girl power tune such as, "Soak Up the Sun" by Sheryl Crow, and bites of the girls giggling with one another and squealing, "Yeah!" The Montage is a dizzying, vomit-inducing scene, but it can be found in nearly every Dualstar production and is therefore a necessity in the plot of my movie. Our Montage will be clips of the girls skiing, drinking hot chocolate, and slaughtering baby whales ("Yeah!").

5. Kyle and Chad enter the mix at this point. Now that things are going great for the twins, things should probably be going better, don't you think? Kyle and Chad are cute Alaskan natives who both work at the local ski resort. After about two and a half minutes of giggling, whispering, and "making eyes" at these guys, Chloe and Riley have found their soulmates! Now, to actually meet them we need one of the girls to gracefully fall off the ski lift and be rescued by Chad who is riding a snowmobile. Fate! Now they double-date everywhere, kiss twice, and will spend exactly twenty-four seconds wondering if they are rushing into things before concluding that they are not. Wait, what happened to Sally and Jane? That's the point!

6. The Climax...which is also the end. Of course it makes perfect sense for an malicious Spaniard named Ernesto "El Rey" Delgado to have been secretly plotting to destroy the Last Frontier this whole time, and it makes even more sense for our lovebirds to be the ones to stop him! Didn't see this coming? Um…what is wrong with you? Ernesto, although a cunning opponent, has only enough time to monologue for a minute and a half before he is easily foiled by a booby trap of snow gear trailing down the mountain—it's the inner tube that brings about his ultimate demise. Now it's time for the patrons of the ski resort to express their gratitude, Kyle and Chad to express their love for the girls, and for Sally and Jane to express—whoops, looks like we don't care because the credits are already rolling!

We would TOTALLY see this movie. Did you used to watch MK&Ash films?

Related post: The SparkNotes Movie Club Present: The Breakfast Club