Super-Bodacious Superhero Weapons
Yeah, Queen_RandOm made up the words "bodacity" and "trape-zing," but so what? If anything, that just adds to her bad-ass-ness.—Sparkitors
My fellow superheroes: those of you who are now ready to venture out in the world and begin fighting crime will be happy to know that I am about to provide you with an essential step in your quest for glory: choosing your superhero weapons. Whether you are saving sickly sea lions or fighting off fiendish felons, these spiffy babies are sure to become your new best friends.
1. Your Wicked Rhetoric: Back in the day, people won battles by simply talking evil-doers into annihilation. Use your ginormous vocabulary and eloquent bodacity to conquer your fears and your foes.
2. Toilet Paper Roll: Hear me out. They are small, easy to transport, can double a telescope, can be used as a megaphone to yell out your wicked rhetoric, and they definitely give you the distinct and much-coveted air of an underdog.
3. Dan Bergstein’s Beard: That thing is just so darn fluffy and exciting that I know that Dan must be growing it for a more epic purpose than simple facial hotness. He probably uses it to rescue orphans from burning buildings—and you can, too.
4. A Toaster Oven: Nothing sounds more epic and frightening than yelling “Stand back, you fool! I’m making toast!!”
5. Poodles: This is not my personal preference for a weapon, but maybe someone out there will find this to their liking. I find these giant permed rats most despicable, but they are fighters and biters and I get the feeling they would look fantastic trape-zing out of a gun and into the air. In slow-motion.
6. A Copy of Twilight: This is the most dangerous weapon of all, and I only suggest that you use this if you are in desperate need. If you are truly immune to the toilet water powers of this pathetic excuse for a copyright, then read a few lines about Edward’s extreme glittery-ness out loud to your foe. He'll wet his pants, and you'll be voted Do-Gooder of the Decade.
What's your ideal superhero weapon?
Related post: How To Become a Superhero in 4 Easy Steps