You've gotten your school to collect ketchup packets for the needy, you've cut up all those plastic loopy-things on your soda six-packs, and you refuse to eat food unless it was grown and harvested within a 60-foot radius. Since you've already got this "green" thing down, use your April 22nd to shine up your halo and mercilessly harangue everyone who's not as perfect as you.
You: You probably think you're helping because you're pitching in for an afternoon, but for some of us? Every day is Earth Day. [cold stare]
You: Aren't you going to recycle that tissue?
Them: But...I just blew my nose in it.
You: [insistent stare]
You: You're going to use a rake to clean up those dead leaves? Wow. I guess someone doesn't care about offending the grass that's been sleeping underneath. No—I'm sure it'll be happy to have rusty metal tines scraped across it, tearing it out of the soil it calls its lifeblood. Good work. [disgusted stare]
You: Aw—are you rinsing out those cans you collected? That's nice. Also, WAY TO WASTE WATER, jerk. [icy stare]
You: I made us some power snacks. They're sugar-free, salt-free, gluten-free, dairy-free, vegan, organic, free-range, fair-trade, hypo-allergenic, omega 3 fatty acid-enriched, freegan, pot-luck, and Audobon Society-approved. Have six! [manic stare]
You: Don't throw those old batteries in the garbage! Make them into earrings, like mine! They're super fashionable, and after a while, you don't even notice the mercury leaching into your organs. [fashionista stare]
You: What's that—a PB&J? Hm. You might want to consider an earth-friendly option like my lunch. It's a combination of sprouted quinoa and mashed invertebrates. I figure, if it's good enough for mother birds to vomit into the mouths of their chicks, it's good enough for me! [superior stare]
You: Ew—I'd never get a Prius. Instead, I made my own vehicle. I crafted two wheels out of tempered hemp rope, a frame from recycled soy milk, and the rest of it from kelp. I call it a REcycle. Get it? [imploring stare]
You: [grabbing a plastic shopping bag out of their hand, replacing it with a cloth shopping bag] Some day, you'll thank me.
Them: My work clothes are in there!
You: You'll THANK ME. [recycled stare]
Them: After the clean up, we're all going to hang at Tom's house. You want to come?
You: You're hanging out together? As a group? Do you know how much collective CO2 you'll be releasing into the atmosphere?
Them: Um. Yeah. So. We're going to order pizza and watch Netflix.
You: Pizza? Are you serious? Do you KNOW how big that carbon footprint is? And if you're having it delivered, that's just more gasoline fumes destroying our ecosystem.
Them: Fine. Do you have a problem with Netflix, too?
Them: I'm waiting.
You: It's, um...it's! Wait! I...
You: No. I guess not. [head explodes stare]
How many more obnoxious Earth Day insults can you think of?
Related post: What Your Earth Day Celebration Says About You