15 Uses for Black Jellybeans

Some people enjoy the licorice taste of black jellybeans, but to others, those little inky rocks ruin the entire bag of candy. Warning: If you like black jellybeans, please stop reading, because what follows will only cause anger and stress.

Licorice candy by itself isn’t horrible, but it has no place in an assortment of fruit flavors. It’s like smearing peanut butter on your tuna salad. The person who first slipped a licorice bean amongst the cherry, lemon, grape, strawberry, and orange flavors probably did so as a prank or assassination attempt.

We can’t stop jellybean manufacturers from putting black jelly beans in the bag—at least not until we get that crossbow—but we have come up with some ways to utilize the foul-tasting oddity. If you find yourself stuck with a handful of Satan’s Boogers (a.k.a. black jellybeans), here are some ways to reuse them. 

1. Scare little kids. Tell them the jellybeans are actually mice kidneys.

2. Give them to old people. People above the age of 60 have strange tastes, and will actually thank you for giving them black jellybeans. They will also eat plain oatmeal, hard candy with gross chewy centers, envelope glue, or any food that begins with the word “stewed.”

3. Save them for winter. They can be very handy when you want to make eyes for a tiny snowman or give your snow angel a bean-shaped gang tattoo.

4. Use them for science. Place a handful of black jellybeans in a 2-liter glass beaker. Cover the beans with distilled water and a teaspoon of baking soda. Leave the beaker alone for twenty years. Something interesting is bound to happen…probably.

5. Punctuate. With a little glue, you can use them to add much-needed punctuation to road signs.

6. Weaponize them. Laws specifically mentioning “jellybean assault” are vague at best. So have a blast!

7. Put them in the VCR. Because you’re not using the VCR anymore. Why is it hooked up to the TV, anyway? If you don’t have a VCR, put them in the CD player or in the Guitar Hero controller that you haven’t touched in 22 months.

8. Create a challenge. Place one jellybean behind each knee and try to climb the stairs without dropping the jellybeans. First one to scream, “Ow! This is hard!” loses.

9. Pretend they're wireless ear buds. This one need no explanation.

10. Make a potion. Place a few black jellybeans in grapefruit juice. It won’t help the taste, but since grapefruit juice is already vomit-flavored, you won’t be doing any harm.

11. Fluff them up. Black jellybeans make affordable, stylish pillows for your pet spiders and baby lizards. They also double as toe-separators for when you’re painting your nails or need to keep your toes apart for personal reasons.

12. Replace items. A black jellybean can easily double as a Monopoly game piece or a murder weapon in Clue. You can also use them as substitute blocks in a game of Jenga, if you’re careful and desperate.

13. Save ink. You can use them as a pen cap. Why are you looking at us like that?

14. Lopsided miniature bowling balls. Yep.

15. Pretend they're fairy poop. Because it’s unrealistic to believe fairies don’t defecate.

Do you hate black jellybeans?

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