Awkwardness: A Comprehensive Guide

From cell phone excuses to awkward turtles, JimSauce has you covered.—Sparkitors

For some reason, teenagers are really prone to getting into awkward situations. And I don’t mean “walk into the wrong classroom on the first day of school” awkward. Nope, I’m talking, “trip, fall, and accidentally grab onto your teacher’s bosom for support—in front of your parents” awkward. The awkwardness that makes you want to Disapparate and spend the next 30 years hiding out in the Shrieking Shack.

Sadly, these moments are as common as Chuck Taylors, so there’s no way around them. That leaves you with two options:

1. Become a hermit and shun all contact with humanity (Black Ops, anyone?)
2. Learn how to SURVIVE the awkward moments when they catch you off guard.

I’ll take a wild guess and say the second option is more appealing to you, right? Right! So here we go:

Use Humor: Laughing makes you live longer. It also defeats awkwardness. If you’re known to be the funny guy/gal, use your talent for stand-up comedy to spare any situation of uneasiness. Of course, you can’t just go throwing around jokes in every situation. If I joke about going rock-climbing and then falling to my doom, and my friend replies with “Dude, that’s not funny. My uncle went rock-climbing and fell to his doom,” then I probably wouldn’t follow up with another joke.

In fact, I would probably bust out in tears, run away, and never speak to said friend again. Or I would use one of the strategies below!

Use an Excuse: Cell phones were invented for a reason, you know! If you sense an Awkward Silence of Doom coming on, casually say “Sorry, my mom is calling,” and excuse yourself from the conversation for a minute or two. If you come back and it’s still awkward, then do the same thing, just with a different family member "calling you." Get into the in-laws if you have to!

It’s even better when you’re on the phone with someone, because then you can come up with any excuse you can think of. The other day, in a conversation that suddenly turned awkward because creationist gay marriage abortions came up, I said, “Sorry, a helicopter full of dinosaurs just landed in my bedroom and the spaghetti’s burning. Talk to you in a sec!” This excuse was a smashing success.

Be Blunt: Shockingly, you can clear up uneasiness in most awkward situations by pointing it out. Here's the situation:

Josh and Becky are in the school parking lot. Becky sees an old, beat-down, dilapidated car with a cracked windshield and rusting paint. She exclaims, “Good lord, what a piece of crap! I feel sorry for whoever drives that wreck! I wouldn’t be caught dead in that.” She then turns around to Josh, who looks utterly shocked and offended. Becky suddenly remembers that it’s Josh’s car.

Poor Josh! Anyway, what would you do as Becky in this situation? What NOT to do:

“Oh, that’s your car!” Becky says, surprised. “Well, you know—if it’s your car, then— then it’s okay—it’s not so bad—I—I didn’t mean that—OH GAWD, I’M SO SORRY, JOSH!” She sobs and falls to her knees. “PLEASE FORGIVE ME!”

Of course, that situation is incredibly awkward for both Josh and any curious onlookers in the vicinity. What TO do instead:

"Oh, that’s your car!” Becky says, surprised. She pauses, yells “AWKWARD!” and playfully punches him in the arm. The tension disappears as she jokes "I was totally talking about the car NEXT to yours."

See how easy that was?

Beware of Awkward People: Some people are just odd in general. You know, the ones you just want to grab and scream "STOP BEING SO AWKWARD!!" while shaking them viciously? Those are the people you need to avoid. They randomly approach you in the hallway and ask a weird question like, “How many times a day does your mother use the bathroom?” And you just stare at them, thinking: What the heck? Where did that question even come from? Why is he still staring at me? Why is he smiling so creepily? And why are his hands moving toward me? DEAR GOD, AWKWARD ALERT! Where's the bomb shelter!?

To prevent these situations, it’s just best to avoid this strange breed of teenager altogether. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Awkward Turtle: And last but not least, whip out ol’ trusty Awkward Turtle when the going gets tough.He never fails!

And that, my friends, is how to battle the great fire-breathing beast called Awkwardness.

Do you finally feel equipped to handle any awkward situation, or do you need more guidance?

Related post: How To Make Everything Awkward