Why Your Siblings Will Always Be Better Than You

You've always had that nagging feeling in the back of your head. Now we're here to confirm: your siblings are way better than you. They always will be. It doesn't matter what order you were born in, it doesn't matter who's in charge. They're just better. It's true, don't question it.

Okay, fine. Question it. But here's proof:

• If you're the oldest then you make the mistakes first. You're the guinea pig child. Your parents will be stricter on you because they don't know which of their crazy parent-rules will work and which won't. (Example: "What do you mean we can't require all of our kids to re-grout the bathroom tile every Tuesday? Oh well. Guess we won't do that again.") Also, you will probably overhear the following conversation at least once in your life:

Your Parents: Now, whatever you do, don't follow in your older sister's footsteps.

Your Younger Sibling: What do you mean? What's wrong with Susie?

Your Parents: Just don't make the mistakes she made in high school. You saw how she acted about school, boys, clothes, and having fun. It simply won't do. There's no way we're going to let you grow up to be like that good-for-nothing slob.

Your Younger Sibling: Are you saying you love me better?

Your Parents: Definitely.

• If you're the middle sibling then your parents just won't give you as much attention. You know it's true—they're just not as devoted to you. Your parents got to spend time alone with your oldest sibling (before you were born) and they'll get to spend time alone with your youngest sibling (after you leave home). But they'll never be alone with you, and you'll never have as good of a relationship with them because of that. Instead, you will fade into the background—not the leader, not the baby. Just the framework. You will probably hear this conversation at lease once:

Your Mother: Don't forget to pick Sophie up from her driver's ed class! You should get dinner while you're out.

Your Father: Right. And you don't forget to pick up Baby Hattie from daycare. Are you going to eat out too?

Your Mother: Yup. What about Lettie? (That would be you.)

Your Father: Oh, she can take care of herself.

• If you're the youngest then you will never live up to your older siblings' example. Their shadow will torment you for your entire life. You will never have 20 AP classes like Johnnie did, and you will never lead your lacrosse team to victory like Matt did. We know; it sucks. But not only that, your parents (who will be retired by the time you are the only child still at home) will have extra time to devote to you and pick out your flaws. Since you're the youngest, they will expect you to be cute and cuddly forever. But you will be a prickly adolescent, and you will overhear this conversation:

Your Father: I just don't understand why Baby Marky can't be as dedicated to his grades as his brothers.

Your Mother: I know! And he used to be so cute. What happened? He's all... prickly now.

Your Father: Well, we've got some extra time today, maybe we can go make him cute again.

Your Mother: Good idea! If we poke him enough, he'll be just as adorable as he was 10 years ago.

• And if you're an only child, then you will never be the child your parents thought you would be. You won't complete them. They will always wonder why they didn't have more children, because you're just not good enough. You will never live up to the standards set by someone who doesn't exist. Not only that, but they will have no other kids to distract them from you. Prepare to be examined under the microscope that is your parents' scrutiny. You will most likely hear them have this conversation:

Your Mother: Why didn't we have more kids?

Your Father: I don't know... I always wanted a son, too.

Your Mother: I know. I don't know why Annie isn't perfect.

Your Father: I don't know either. Maybe it will help if we go tell her why we hate her haircut for the twentieth time today.

So yes, you're not perfect. Your siblings win. Just get used to being second (or third, or fourth) best. Because it's not going to change. (Like, ever.)

Are you always trying to live up to your siblings?