Auntie SparkNotes: Where There's Smoke

Hi Auntie!!!

I love your advice, and I was wondering if you could offer your eye-opening words of wisdom for my problem. So my question is, what is the protocol when dealing with a smoker? Namely, a smoker in the family? You see, my dad has smoked for as long as I remember, but as a kid I didn't really pay attention to it. Now that I'm older and have been oh-so-educated about the dangers of tobacco in health class, I feel like I should intervene. However, my dad doesn't really talk about it. In fact, all my worries about it are based mostly on observations of his quick smoke breaks and the number of cigarettes he goes through. I don't even think he knows I know that he smokes that much.

So my question is, what should I do? Do I confront him with the fact that I know he's smoking when he thinks I don't notice? What should I say? Even if I do say something, how do I know it will make a difference? After all those years of smoking, I don't think a friendly warning from his daughter is going to change anything. Please advise me on what to say, what to do, and HOW to say/do the answer to the above.

The amazing thing about this, Sparkler, is that you don't even need advice! In fact, you've answered your own question already. Behold:

After all those years of smoking, I don't think a friendly warning from his daughter is going to change anything.

...And there, as they say, is the rub.

The fact is, your dad is an adult. And while you've only just been awakened to the health risks associated with tobacco use, you can rest assured that he—along with every other adult in the western world—is already well aware of them. (Trust me, there's not a smoker alive who doesn't realize that smoking isn't healthy.) Your dad knows the deal. He chooses to smoke anyway. And while it's natural that you'd find his cigarette habit worrisome, it's also not up to you to intervene.

If you feel that you must say something, though, then the one thing you can do is alert him to your concerns—but only once, and only to let him know that you know how often he's hitting the cigs. You can say something like, "Hey Dad, this might be a strange time to bring it up since you've been smoking for so long, but we've been studying the effects of tobacco at school and I've started to worry about your health. Have you thought about quitting?"

It's possible (though unlikely) that knowing you've noticed will be the push he needs to give quitting a try. But if it doesn't, and no matter how your dad responds—whether it's "Yes, and I should really get on that," or "No, and I don't intend to"—remember that it's not up to you to police his behavior. So even if he continues to smoke, and even if you don't approve, this should be the only time you bring it up. And keep in mind, too, that you're not telling your dad anything he doesn't already know: after all, we live in a world where you can't turn on the TV, walk down the street, or open a newspaper without seeing a gratuitous PSA about the ill effects of smoking... complete with vomitorious images of blackened lungs, rotting teeth, or amputated digits.

And in other news, I've just ruined my lunch.

How do you handle a smoking relative? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

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