Blogging Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone: Part 3

Posted April 22, 2011

Sorry the blog is late and only contains two chapters. I am currently deathly ill with a head cold and I'm being a big baby about it. I'll try to squeeze in four chapters next week, if I live that long. Can someone get me a bowl of soup and soft tissues with moisturizer? If you don't, I will die.

Chapter Seven: The Sorting Hat
Better Title: Segregation Made Easy

Ravenclaw is better than Gryffindor. There. I said it. Wanna fight about it? Meet me at the abandoned balloon factory in thirty minutes.

The Gryffindor house is fine, don't get me wrong, but I always felt the 'Dors were a bit…what's the word…boverage (boring and average). Sure, members of that house are brave, but Ravenclaws, according to this chapter and billions of Facebook surveys, are witty, creative, smart, and resourceful. Here's a breakdown of the Houses that I came up with.

Gryffindor = Matt Damon
Ravenclaw = Neil Gaiman/Amy Poehler
Hufflepuff = A sleepy Matt Damon after he ate a big sandwich
Slytherin = A cranky Kanye West in need of a nap

Harry, Ron, and Hermione are exceptional Gryffindor members, but that doesn't mean the entire House is filled with heroes. For every Harry Potter, there are a dozen Dean Thomas-es. Saying you like Gryffindor because you want to be the next Harry Potter is like saying you love Ohio because you want to be the next Kid Cudi. Not everyone from Ohio has flashin' fresh rhymes and can spit fire with their words…y'all.

I'd much rather hang out with Ravenclaws. They probably throw fun, wild parties that feature great music, crazy dancing, and insightful conversation. A Gryffindor kegger most likely consists of lame Dave Mathews music and guys yelling, "Dare me to eat a ketchup packet? Dare me? I'll do it. I'm so very brave! For Gryffindor!!!!" Gryffindors probably also wear socks with sandals, appreciate professional wrestling, and have already pre-ordered the next eight John Madden video games. They can also explain the plot of each and every Fast and Furious movie, and this explanation always begins with, "Oh man. It was so cool. There was, like, this guy…"

The Sorting Hat puts Ron and Hermione in Gryffindor, though the hat hesitates while atop Harry's head. Harry pleads with the hat to let him into any House other than Slytherin, and finally the hat relents and places Harry in Gryffindor.

Do you wonder what would have happened if Harry wound up in Slytherin? Don't. That leads you down the wretched path of fan fiction. Soon you'll be asking yourself other questions, such as:

What if Harry were a girl?
What if Harry were a villain?
What if Harry met Sephiroth?
What if Harry and Sephiroth went on a naked date?

And so on. Some questions are best left unanswered, especially by amateur wordsmiths who have a fondness for midnight waterfall scenes.

I wish we had a chance to see more of the other three houses. If memory serves, we only get a few glimpses of the other students and their dorms. I think Luna is a Ravenclaw, but she's just about the only main character who isn't a member of Gryffindor. Maybe J.K. Rowling will write more books that focus on the other houses. For instance:

A Ravenclaw book called, "Jennifer Jingles and the Quest for Artistic Freedom."

A Slytherin book called, "Timothy Googleshanks and The Awful Things He Does to Rabbits."

And a Hufflepuff book called, "Hugs!!!"

In this chapter we also get our first introduction to the various ghosts living in Hogwarts. I always felt Harry should be more impressed with these ghosts. He acts like it's no big deal, the same way I react when I spot a hot air balloon. He should be losing his mind and screaming wildly, the same way I react when I see two hot air balloons in the same sky—an event I call, "Yippee Day."

At the banquet, we also meet a crazy Dumbledore who is much different than the solemn Dumbledore we'll see in later books. Right now he's acting like an eccentric, drugged-up Santa Claus. I love this Dumbledore. I know things get very serious later, but right now I'm glad he's insane and happy.

After everyone finishes eating, Dumbledore goes over some basic rules: Don't go into the forest. Don't go into the third-floor corridor. And don't use magic outside of class. Gosh. I sure hope no one in the Harry Potter gang will break any of those rules. WINKY FACE!

Percy the prefect leads the Gryffindor students to their dormitory. Did anyone else misread "prefect" as "perfect"? If you did, you should be ashamed of yourself for being a horrible, stupid person. Only complete idiots who were raised by sheep and have the intelligence of an envelope would misread "prefect" as "perfect." If you first thought Percy was a perfect and not a prefect, please raise your hand so that I can smack it with a ruler, you imbecile.

Percy the perfect? Like that would even make sense in this story. It's prefect, you morons. Prefect! Prefect! Prefect!

Oh, you think I'm being too hard on you? Well my dad wasn't too hard on me when I told him about "Percy the perfect" and he laughed in my face and made me eat Thanksgiving dinner naked on our front lawn. It's prefect! Prefect! Prefect! Not perfect! Get it right, because I had to get it right. Know my pain!

Wait. What were we talking about? Oh yeah. When I first read it, I thought it was "perfect." Sowwy.

On the way to the dorm, the poltergeist Peeves throws walking sticks at the kids. Again, Harry doesn't soil his pants at the sight of a poltergeist. Does nothing impress him? If he's nonplussed by ghosts and demons, he probably won't like the birthday card I made him using macaroni noodles and thoughtfulness. Guess my dad was right—I am a screw up. I'll be on the lawn if you need me. Sad Face.

Deleted Scene

GODRIC GRYFFINDOR: We will create a school to teach all the brave young wizards and witches.
SALAZAR SLYTHERIN: And we must also teach those students who are cunning and sly.
ROWENA RAVENCLAW: And we shall open our doors to those with a curious mind and appetite for creativity.
HELGA HUFFLEPUFF: My tongue is blue because I was eating lollipops for dinner! Wanna see? I can almost do a cartwheel! Are you watching?!
GODRIC: That's great, Helga. You don't need to shout. But would you like to help us form a wizarding school?
HELGA: I like to hug. I'm really good at it. Hugs are like presents that always fit. Can I be the school's hug captain? I can teach hugging! I can also teach Laundry and How To Draw Bubble Letters.
GODRIC: No. Hugging is not something we are concerned with.
HELGA: Oh really? How long should a typical hug last, Mr. Know-It-All?
GODRIC: Um…ten sec—
HELGA: Wrong! A good hug lasts a lifetime because it lives in your heart for infinity years!!!
SALAZAR: Maybe we only need three people to start a school.
HELGA: Badgers are my favorite! I'm going to make lemon squares! Can we call the school Smile Town? If I close my eyes, am I invisible? Can I have turtle? I'm good at making bubble letters. Really good. The trick is to pretend the letters are clouds and to use purple.
SALAZAR: By the way, if 68% of the students in my house turn out evil, it's totally not my fault. Cool? Cool.

Chapter Eight: The Potions Master
Better Title: Snape, It's Not Your Fault, Man. It's Not Your Fault.

Though we saw him during the banquet, this is our real introduction to Severus Snape, the dreaded Potions teacher. The first week of classes went well for Harry despite being gawked at by every student and teacher. His only real complaint until now is that A History of Magic is a boring class and Defense Against the Dark Arts is taught by the nervous and smelly Professor Quirrell.

But when Harry enters Snape's classroom, his life becomes a little less magical. I'm sure we all know why Snape is a jerk, but that doesn't mean we should forgive him. Just because something crappy happened to you when you were an adolescent, that doesn't mean it's OK to carry a grudge for the rest of your life. This is why I am not now, nor will I ever be, a Snape fan. I also don't like the way egg cartons feel, but that's neither here nor there.

I know Snape does a lot of good in the later books. I know he has a noble agenda. But come on, Snape! Harry is eleven years old. Eleven! If you're going to take out your bitter feelings on an innocent kid who has the weight of the world on his shoulders, then you sir, are a villain. You need a hug. Go stand by the Hufflepuff dorm, and sooner or later you will be hugged. They're very good at hugs. Bubble letters, too.

Snape asks Harry difficult Potions questions in front of the whole class. Hermione raises her hand, knowing all the answers (because in case you didn't know, Hermione is bookish), but Snape focuses on The Boy Who Lived. (By the way, can't I call myself The Boy Who Lived, too? I lived. Just sayin'… .)

When Harry can't answer the questions, Snape deducts House Points from Gryffindor. House points are something I don't quite understand. Who is keeping track of all these points? More importantly, what's the absolute worst that can happen if your House has no points?

Yes, that means you cannot win the House Cup. But so what? They put so much emphasis on points, and yet there's no real punishment for losing the House Cup. I'd understand this better if Dumbledore had said, "If any house gets fewer than 1600 points this term, all members of that house will have one of their ears filled with hungry ladybugs for an entire weekend."

Unlike Dan Points, which can be redeemed for valuable imaginary, invisible prizes such as bicycles, raisins, and feet mittens, as near as I can tell, House Points are as useful as Monopoly money or Connect Four pudding (I play Connect Four in a somewhat unorthodox fashion).

If you can tell me why House Points matter, I will give you 30 Dan Points. That's enough to get you an invisible, imaginary soup fork or a penguin trap!

After their first Potions class, Harry and Ron head to Hagrid's shed near the edge of the forest for tea. During their visit, Harry notices a newspaper story about a robbery at Gringotts on the very same day that Harry and Hagrid went shopping. Harry asks Hagrid about it, but Hagrid quickly changes the subject.

Hmm. I wonder what that's about.

I wish Dumbledore were my dad.

Deleted Scene

HARRY: Hey, Professor! Check this out! If I take my glasses off, my eyes look just like my mom's. Isn't that nuts?!
SNAPE: Hmm. Indeed.
HARRY: And look! Someone made a lady's wig using hair found in my mom's hairbrush. Let me just put this on. [Harry dons the wig] Don't I look really goofy now, Professor?
SNAPE: Goofy…yes. You look so very…goofy. [Snape sweats]
HARRY: Now let's see what happens when I wear lipstick and talk in a high-pitched lady voice. You know, just for fun!
SNAPE: Oh god.
HARRY: [Talks in a high pitched voice] Trah-lah-lah! I'm a lady!
SNAPE: Oh. Oh my. Would you…would you call me Snapple Sauce? Say it! Say I'm your Snapple Sauce!
HARRY: Um...what?
SNAPE: Say it!
HARRY: I was just goofing around. You took it too far, sir.
SNAPE: You can just whisper it. Come back, my Lily Pad! There's no need to run. 400 Points from Gryffindor! Come back! I'm well adjusted!