April Horoscopes

April showers bring May flowers, and worms, and mud. Will this month be one of love and adventure, or will you spend the next four weeks being bored out of your mind as you wait for flip-flop weather? Read below to prepare yourself.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Don’t go fishing unless you enjoy pain. There is a secret message hidden in your textbook. To find it, turn to page 322 and look for the word that doesn’t belong. All will be revealed. Someone is in love with you, and this someone has significant teeth. Trust anyone named Jordan or Marbles. Look both ways before tying your shoes. Look only one way before crossing an ocean. Do something with a piano. This is a great month to hit things, because your fists will be mighty. Do not step on grass or else you will be forever cursed.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You’re not eating enough pie. Due to unique trends in gravity, this month is your only chance to jump over a parking meter. Use your power wisely. Rearrange the letters in the following sentence to uncover a shocking truth: Dinosaurs could not defeat wizards on sexy Friday. Those who spell their name with many A’s will lead you to ankle pain. Remember: Snakes and worms are just whips waiting to happen. Avoid any street named after a fruit or bean, because these roads are filled with terror. Stop using the word “phenomenal,” because it’s annoying when you say it. Use “stellar” instead.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
By the end of the week, you will meet someone wearing stupid pants, and this person will be magical. Catch exactly 11 rain drops on your tongue. If you catch more than that, no one will ever love you. If you catch fewer than that, your knees will shatter on your wedding day. A relative will ask you about technology. When this happens, use the word “methinks” in your response, and wonderful things will happen for the rest of your life. Find money inside a penguin. It’s bad luck to open both eyes at the same time when you first wake up. This is a great month to turn a mailbox into a puppet. Don’t use any tape.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Place a Lego brick under your pillow and you will see your future in a dream. Place two Lego bricks under your pillow and you will dream of an alternate ending to The Catcher in the Rye that involves robots and your great grandma. What you think is a number 9 is actually a number 6 upside down. The same holds true for the number 8. Anyone walking a dog at night is really a ghost. Use more purple ink, and dot your I’s with a tiny drawing of a cat. When given the choice, always pick the flute or the raisins. People are secretly jealous of your body and your rap skills. Whatever you do, do not read the last word of this sentence.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Stop using so many ice cubes, freak! The answer to most of your problems this month can be solved with carbon or sugar. Have you ever considered becoming a pole vaulter? Don’t! Especially not during this month. When you hear a bird that sounds like, “Chip-chip Chireee Chip-chip!” make a wish. That bird is actually a bird-like, wish-granting fairy. If it sounds like this, “Chip-chip Chireee Chip-tweee-ooo,” then it’s a demon, so cover your brain and mouth to prevent possession. Bowling will lead to tears. The shoes you like will go on sale, but someone with a contagious foot disease has tried them on, so beware.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Beware of the man eating by himself. All things related to staples will haunt you this month. You need to update your profile picture or else a large tree branch will cause you heartache. Good luck will follow those who hide a bottle cap in their hair. A yellow notebook will bring you joy and $5. In the hallway, you will find something sticky. Five paces from the sticky spot, you will find something odd written on the wall or floor. This message will lead you to love and fortune. Never use nickels. The pencil sharpener is not a toy, but it can be a weapon or musical instrument. This tip will save your life.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Shorten all sentences by 21%. Never choose strawberry or answer D unless it’s raining. To avoid horror and mayhem, you must only wake up when the last digit on your clock is a prime number. If you meet a woman wearing Jeggings and Ugg boots, don’t be afraid. Her words cannot harm you! If you meet a man wearing Jeggings and Ugg boots, take a picture and send it to us, please. You may need a catapult by month’s end. Think of the word “crispy” for ninety seconds and you will see your future. Tie your shoes in a less flamboyant way, or else.

Scorpio(October 23 – November 21)
Keep track of all cats in your neighborhood; one of them is more than just a cat. You’ll need a saw and some rope this weekend. You will also need electricity and a place to hide. Don’t be scared about speaking in front of a crowd. What you should fear is lava and the possibility of it rising out of the toilet. Slap a yield sign for good luck. The toothpaste will cause problems on April 22nd. When talking with someone named Gwen, do not look at her shins. You will not like what you find.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
The magnets will only make it worse. During a thunderstorm, keep your mouth closed, because lighting will be highly attracted to your saliva this month. People with a Z in their names will also be attracted to your saliva. Figure out what “Hair Dancing” is, somehow sell this idea to Google, and you will become a millionaire before the end of the month. Don’t make eye contact with marine animals or flying beasts. Popcorn will be a major concern next week. Major concern. We’re not kidding around.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Have a camera ready in exactly 67 hours. Your butt has been the topic of conversation amongst a group of people today. Don’t worry. They said nice things. You will be able to balance three pens on your desk tomorrow at the same time, so get pumped! If someone asks you about Florida, lie. If someone asks you about doorknobs, tell the truth. Something that smells like wet metal will bring you luck and money. The 6th person you talk to on the phone next week is trying to tell you a secret message. Listen closely. A police officer will watch you carefully on April 18th. Don’t lick red cars.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Hold off on buying anything that requires knots. If you are offered a piece of gum, smell it first. It might be clay. There is something in the museum that you’re not supposed to see. Remember this simple rhyme: When traveling south, breathe through your mouth. Trusting giants will end in triumph and money. An index card will make you cry with frustration. Washing your hands with milk instead of water will make you strong and attractive. Wonderful things will happen if you end every email with, “Me like cookie!”

Pisces (February 18 – March 20)
This month will be amazing, as long as you don’t guess what shape I’m thinking of. Listen carefully to everything Lady Gaga says, because she’s trying to tell you, and only you, a secret message from the future. Hope will carry you through difficult times. If you don’t know a girl named Hope, find one. Be sure she has the upper body strength needed to carry you. The street is no place for a cartwheel (both the gymnastic move and the wheel of a hot dog cart). Some rocks will be friendly, but most trees will not. You can eat all the cupcakes you want this month.

How's your month looking so far?

Related post: March Horoscopes