My retirement post was an evil April Fool's joke that many of you figured out. And once people got the joke, they yelled at me. I felt bad. I'm sorry for causing any stress or intestinal discomfort. I'm not leaving SparkNotes. Not yet. And judging by my new assignment, I won't be able to leave for a while.
Sound the trumpets, because starting this week, Blogging Harry Potter begins. What originated as last year's April Fool's prank has become a reality. This is not a joke. I repeat (in an Irish accent), this is not a wee bit of joke, lads. Grab your cloaks and brooms. Enslave an owl. Tattoo your forehead with a lightning bolt, or if your parents think lighting is a sign of the occult, tell them it's a letter Z…for zoology. (Parents love it when a child expresses an interest in the sciences.) We're about to relive the glory and wonder of Mr. Potter.
But before we dive into the wizarding world, there are a few things to do. First, I must remove "Volturi" "Optimus" and "Beyonce" from my spell check program and add "patronus," "Quidditch" and "Dumbledore." Wait…Dumbledore is already accepted by my spell checker? Things are off to a good start.
These blogs will be slightly different than the Twilight blogs. First and foremost, we're going to move along at a brisk pace. If I only read one chapter a week, it would take decades to finish the seven-book series. (Actually, it would take 3.8 years.) To speed things up, each week's blog will cover 3 or 4 chapters. So you better start reading for this week's inaugural post!
Looking back over Blogging Twilight, I realize I spent far too much time summarizing the soul-crushing events of those books. In Blogging Harry Potter, I won't waste precious internet space telling you that Ron's boots were brown or that Lee Jordon was in the seated position. I'll still explain what's going on in the chapters, but in a more concise manner, leaving more room for fun and speculation.
I'm also not here to bash or mock the books. I tore Twilight apart because it was worse than a paper cut on the inside of an eyelid. The Potter books are good. Really good. Really, really good. You'd be hard pressed to find even the snobbiest critic saying unkind things about Harry Potter, particularly after Book Three, when the story stops being good and starts being ninja-good. Rest assured, without baby dating as a major theme in the series, I shall only travel to my thinking lake to mull over Harry's love for Ginny "I'm As Interesting as a Lamp" Weasley. I don't even need an entire thinking lake for that. I could just look at a puddle or bowl of soup. (Ginny is rather soup-like. Zing!)
Some have told me I need to blog about a bad book because discussing a good book won't be as funny or entertaining. Perhaps. But I've written about positive things in the past, including Back to the Future, Angry Birds, Scribblenauts, LOST, and, most recently, Pokemon). And besides, after Twilight, don't I deserve to read something that doesn't make me want to light my esophagus on fire?
Unlike when I started Twilight, I know what I'm getting into this time around. And yet chances are good that I'll still be surprised. I read the first book when I was in college. This was right around the time it became socially acceptable for adults (and cool college dudes) to read Harry Potter.
Unlike many Sparklers, I've only read the books once. My memory is a bit vague, and the movies only helped to confuse me, so reading the books again will be almost like reading them for the first time, but now with more facial hair and less gallbladder. (Dan Fact: Last time I read a Harry Potter book, I still had a gallbladder. I miss you, Gally. It won't be the same without you!)
I'm a Potter fan, but my fandom pales in comparison to those who can recite entire books from memory or list each and every spell Mad Eye Moody uses. And though I've attended the midnight book release of The Half-Blood Prince, I dressed as Hermione's dad, a joke few Potter fans thought was clever. (Side note: The night ended badly when the book store closed before midnight, leaving all customers empty-handed due to some stupid New Jersey retail ordinance. I will never stand in line for a book again…in New Jersey…at midnight.)
The predictions at the end of each Twilight blog were my favorite pieces to write, so they'll still be a major part of the new blog series. Since I already know what's going to happen, the predictions will now be called "deleted scenes." Same idea. Different title. There will be no glower/murmur/mutter contest because I can't think of any type of contest that would fit well with Potter lore, but I'm open to ideas.
The basic format of the blogs will stay the same. As we move along, I'd like to try new things. Maybe incorporate videos or stew recipes into the mix. We'll see how it goes. The ultimate goal of Blogging Harry Potter is to have fun…and to use subliminal messages to make the readers buy me cool hats. I respect the hardcore Potter fans, and I hope they realize that if I have any negative criticism about the books, I deliver them with a wink.
I think the Potter crowd will be able to tell when I'm joking, unlike some Twihards who take everything so seriously that if you ask them, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" they reply, with tears in their eyes, "It's not the chicken's fault. She never asked to be part of this world. Don’t you see how passion grabbed fate by the hair and made sweet, aggressive love in a pool of still water?! Magnets!"
God I hate Twilight.
Blogging Harry Potter will be begin tomorrow. I'm so excited that I'm refreshing SparkNotes every ten minutes, looking for the post, even though I haven't written it yet.
By the way, I'm leaving "Optimus" in my spell check system after all, because you never know…
Are you excited??
Related post: All Good Things...