Auntie SparkNotes: Forging Familial Closeness

Dear Auntie,

I have either: a) inattentive parents or b) unrealistically high expectations. I love my parents, but we don't really spend much time together. For instance, I spend most of my time in the office, and just play games/do homework/ listen to music/read books. My mom is usually working or watching TV. She also cooks. My dad is almost always is at work, going out of town for business, or playing table tennis. I always feel like we should talk more or something. Do I have unrealistic, sitcom-style expectations or are my parents just uber careerists?

I don't know, Sparkler—it seems to me that there a lot more than two possible explanations for your current familial state of affairs! I mean, sure, it might be that:

a) your expectations are unrealistic, or
b) your parents are poor attention-givers

But it could also be that:

c) they prefer to do their own thing and just assumed that you were similarly inclined,
d) they're leaving it up to you to decide how much (or how little) parental interaction you want,
e) they aren't sure how to initiate a closer relationship, or,
f) they're actually robots.

My guess? ROBOTS.

But if I had to pick a runner-up, it does seem like your family naturally gravitates toward a pretty independent dynamic. Your dad is frequently gone, your mom uses her rare moments of downtime to do some restorative vegetating, and you retreat to the office. Which, if we're being totally honest, makes you a big part of the problem as well. Think about it: it's a lot easier for you to tag along with your dad to play table tennis, or join your mom on the couch for TV time, than it is for your parents to bust in on your comparatively private activities and be all, "HEY, DAUGHTER! LET'S PLAY TWISTER!"

Which is to say, your parents may well be leaving you alone because the alternative (see above) is pretty much number one on the parental list of Things To Avoid Lest You Make Your Kids Hate You.

So while you could always have a straight convo with your mom and dad about the current state of affairs (e.g. "I feel like I never see you guys. Can we spend more time together?"), you can also change the dynamic just by emerging. You don't even have to talk! Just be companionable—for instance, by bringing your book into the kitchen where your mom is prepping dinner and hanging out with her while she cooks. (Feeling really bold? Offer to chop carrots.) Opting to be in the same room as your parents—rather than ensconced in the office—sends a powerful message just by itself, and from there, it's a short step to one of you asking the other, "So, how's it going?"

Of course, your parents are people—so it could also be that they're natural loners, or totally self-absorbed, or just not big on the whole togetherness thing. But before you write them off as disappointing, or your expectations as unrealistic, take a few steps in their direction and see what happens. My guess: they'll be delighted to have your company, and in a little while, your relationship will naturally become closer.

Although obviously, your first order of business is to dump a pail of water on both of them to see whether they short-circuit. Y'know, just in case.

Are your parents robots, or do you all hang out together? Leave your report in the comments—and to get in touch with Auntie, email advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Parental Permission to Date