How to Start a Band And Enjoy A Meteoric Rise To Fame

How can I become popular? How do I make boys/girls like me? What should I do with all these leather pants? The answer to all of these questions is the same: start a band. There's a reason that "I'm in a band" consistently outranks "Your teeth are real shiny" as the world's best pickup line. Here's how you start a band, in 7 easy steps.

Pick a band name. This is probably the most important part of the process. Plumb your unconscious for the perfect name, with the aid of Scrabble tiles, a Ouija board, and a dream journal. Alternatively, slap any verb together with any noun, and you're good to go. Screaming Saddle, Flying Beard, and Vomiting Stereo are decent names for a country, indie, or punk band, respectively. If you're starting a jam band, simply combine the name of your drummer's cat, your fiddler's mother's maiden name, and your mandolin player's favorite food, and bingo! You are Floyd Washington's Ramen.

Find your bandmates. Put up a sign in a local coffeeshop, lurk around the INXS section of your favorite record store flashing the international "join my band?" hand signal (like the heavy metal signal, but with more eyebrows), or convince your friends in the school band that joining your awesome, non-school band will totally up their marching game. Luckily, you only really need one other person to rock (see: White Stripes, Black Keys, Captain & Tennille). Whatever your lineup, be sure to develop an intriguing band creation myth. Tell everyone you met while riding the rails on a jug-band circuit tour, or swear that you actually won your bassist from Kings of Leon in a winner-takes-all bet.

Decide on a signature look. You don't want to be just another skinny jeans-wearing indie band, right? If you're out of ideas, take your style inspiration from your favorite book or kids television show. Love The Hunger Games? Dress up like the Capitol freaks and cover David Bowie. Obsessed with Blue's Clues? Rock Steve's dork look, then freak everyone out by playing complicated math rock. Or go for that "musician-on-tour" look and just wear the same outfit every day. It will become more and more legitimate with every ranch-covered fry you drop in your lap.

Develop a fan base. If you haven't actually written any songs yet, the best way to do this is with a guerrilla marketing campaign. Make excellent band t-shirts for yourself and all your friends, and wear them constantly. Chalk "WHO IS FLOYD WASHINGTON'S RAMEN?" on the sidewalk in front of your school. In crowd situations, yell "What's this Hollering AxeHandles band that Taylor Swift keeps talking about?"

Develop your sound. If you're not a natural musical innovator/already a musician, head to YouTube and learn a few power chords. It worked for these guys. And these guys. And these guys. Lyrics, of course, are a minefield of interband discontent, especially if your guitarist starts writing love songs that are clearly addressed to the lead singer's boyfriend. Or if anyone in the band attempts to rhyme "so alone" with "sousaphone," or "I ran up to my room" with "It was definitely the day of doom." However, very few people can survive an attack on their musings of the soul, which is probably how many sensitive artist types refer to their lyrics, so learn to pick your battles.

Book your first gig. This "gig" will probably involve playing your friend's bar mitzvah, or being the party band at your little brother's junior-high graduation. Whatever it is, you'll need a merch table, because: guerrilla marketing campaign! Gotta get those t-shirts on the backs of the masses!

Break up/actually record something. If you're really just in this for the cool factor, you can now end your band. For the rest of your life, every time someone mentions anything band-related (e.g., "I like the Beatles," or "Hey, how about you stop mentioning your band for five seconds?"), you're free to say, in a super nonchalant tone, "Oh, I was in a band once." Cue sobs and gasps from jealous friends. If, on the other hand, you suspect you're the next Biebernator, get it on tape and wait for it to go viral.

So what's your band name going to be? We've already taken Heavy Pants and the Trash Can Man, so don't even try.

Related post: Your Band's Called What?