You Can Be A Superhero Too!
Queen_RandOm sure has a way with words—and with cultivating superhuman powers.—Sparkitors
At one point or another, all of us have dreamed of being a superhero. Today, I come before you to tell you that this dream can be real. So how can you become the next spandex-wearing savior of the universe? Read on.
1. Survive a Tragedy. Everyone knows that superheroes have to live through intense adversity before they become great. So go out there and get bitten by a radioactive holler monkey. Fall into a vat of toxic marshmallows. Fall into a vat of toxic seaweed. Fall into anything, really, and you'll be set. Your powers will appear in less than 24 hours.
2. Be the Underdog. Let a big guy named Chad or Lance shove your head in the toilet daily. Get thrown into the dumpster. Carry around a lunch box that says “Grandma’s little smoochie-poo.” Have the self-esteem of a bald gerbil. You are on your way.
3. Always wear your underwear outside of your clothes. Trust me: the chicks dig this. Plus, your job as a superhero is to give. Start by giving the world a gander at your tightie-whities.
4. Choose a name. Open a dictionary to a random page and put your finger down. Congratulations, you are now Gastro-vascular Girl.
5. Make quick jerky movements. Be sure to randomly roundhouse kick while walking down the street. Elvis-like hip thrusts look great in spandex. And freeze mid-move every once in a while. This is how the press gets those gorgeous action shots of you. You will stop traffic and blind everyone with your blinding awesomeness.
6. Sound effects. Crucial. “Pows!” and “Huzzas!” are particularly encouraged. Catch phrases such as “Walloping Wizards! The Orphans have eaten the escargot again!” will make everyone stop and listen to what you have to say.
Okay, so the holler monkey didn't work, but we're not giving up on the marshmallow vat.
Related post: Cultivate Your Own Superpowers