Chapter Thirty-Nine: The Happily Ever After
Better Title: Can I Be Done Now?
And lo, the horror of night is broken as morning's sun silently rescues the world from the dark. I made it through the end. I did it. And I could not have done it without you by my side. Thank you. If my body were strong enough to cry right now, I would create rivers of tears as I turn the book's final page. Tears of joy. Tears of anger. Tears of mild hunger. We made it. Now let us celebrate by ripping this book apart good and proper while eating ice cream by the fistful!
The evil vampires still pose a threat. Thousands of innocent humans continue to die. Jacob can, and will, have sex with a seven-year-old. Jacob has no education, no job prospects, no money, no future. Optimus will have no friends her own age, no childhood, no friendly interaction beyond her teenaged boyfriend and family. Her social skills will be stunted, like the strange kid in gym class who prefers to lick his own fingers rather than talk to fellow classmates. No one learned a lesson. No one made a sacrifice. No one changed.
But Bella and Edward live happily ever after.
Not much happens in the final chapter. I'm not even sure why I put on my Surprise Pants while reading it. I shouldn't have expected anything substantial or interesting. So my Substantial Hat was also unnecessary.
Everyone praises Bella for ending the war with her love shield. I thought the war ended because it was fundamentally flawed and based on an illogical premise, but Edward set me straight by explaining how Bella's shield showed the Volturi the power of the Cullens and so Aro left. He just left. That's it.
Edward and Bella celebrate and think about the future. They laugh at the thought of their child having sex with Jacob. Everyone has a good time, they chat, they smile, they kid around, and meanwhile in Italy, a busload of volunteer workers are killed without mercy, eaten alive by the Volturi. But hey…isn't Optimus adorable?!
It's hard to believe the Cullens let the Volturi walk away. The Cullens had the upper hand. They could have killed the Volturi, taken control of the vampire government, and set things right. Instead, they sit around and dress Optimus in new pink sweaters.
I've seen wallpaper that was more heroic.
The book ends with a great deal of love talk and murmurs. Bella has better control of her love shield, and lowers her defenses to let Edward finally read her mind. Isn't it romantic? It's so lovely and sweet. The perfect end to a perfect novel. (Sarcasm tears.)
And that's it. That's how the series ends. The last line is:
"And then we continued blissfully into the small but perfect piece of our forever."
I bet you $700 that line was written by one of those magnetic poetry word scrambles.
But it's over. I'm done! I'm free!
Murmurs: 3 (Book grand total: 110...but I may have missed one, so let's say 111)
Mutters: 0 (Book grand total: 59)
Murmur/Mutter Contest Winner
This might be controversial, but judging by the many people who entered the contest with a guess of 111 murmurs and 59 mutters, I believe I missed a murmur. This also means many of you are dirty, dirty cheaters who used computer programs and dark magic to count the words. Still, I'm going with 111 and 59, and if you picked those numbers, you are correct…cheater. As stated in Blogging Eclipse Part 27, in the event of a tie, one winner shall be chosen at random. I threw a dart at my computer and the winner is…Sweety1992. Congrats! Please contact the Sparkitors and we'll send out the drawing and poem shortly. If you want the poem or drawing to have a specific theme, shout it out in the comment section.
Prediction (Of Bella's fulfilling life)
Two Days Later
EDWARD: We saved the day!
EMMETT: Well, actually, we only saved one baby. Everyone else is still at risk.
BELLA: We are true heroes!
EMMETT: The Volturi will attack again, and in the meantime they slaughter thousands of…
BELLA: My baby is cuddly!
QUIL: You know what's strange about writing love songs to a toddler? Not a damn thing.
One Year Later
BELLA: Maybe we should get a house plant.
QUIL: What-what! My girl be looking fine in her light up sneakers, y'all. Sexy. As. Hell! Mmm.
Two Years Later
BELLA: Seriously, we should get a house plant.
EDWARD: I'm still not sure if that's a good idea.
ESME: Hey everyone, I just counted all the vents in our house. There are 24 vents.
ROSE: Neat! That's the same number of vents we had yesterday.
ESME: I wonder what it'll be tomorrow.
QUIL: My girlfriend wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up, or the Statue of Liberty.
Three Years Later
BELLA: Everyone in Europe was killed by vampires.
BELLA: I wish there was something we could have done to prevent the massacre.
JASPER: Move sideways, perhaps.
ESME: Guys, we have 25 vents in our house! Though there's a good chance I counted the vent in the hallway twice.
CHARLIE: Why don't any of you get jobs?
ROSE: Anyone want to play "Think of the Highest Number"? I'll go first. I'm thinking of 76.
EMMETT: I hate everything about you.
QUIL: My girlfriend was riding the swings with her "friend" Justin at school today. She parades around the school in her sexy, form-fitting Dora the Explorer backpack. So I called her a slut. She called me a fart. Why is love so hard, man? Why?
Four Years Later
QUIL: My girlfriend thinks Justin is so cool just because he wears a necklace and his mom lets him drink soda. So I rang his doorbell and ran away. Love makes you do crazy things.
Five Years Later
BELLA: Maybe we shouldn't buy a house plant.
EDWARD: You're right.
ESME: 24 vents!
QUIL: I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. Yesterday she came home wearing blue raspberry lip balm. Wearing it! Usually she just eats it. She must be trying to impress somebody. And her breath smelled like Sprite. Hmm…
Six Years Later
BELLA: This year I think we should focus on helping society with our many gifts.
EDWARD: Or we could spend the entire year listing all the things that are blue.
BELLA: OK…the sky. Smurfs. Jeans. My dad's hat. Some birds.
EDWARD: Did you mention blue crayons yet?
BELLA: Not yet.
EDWARD: Blue crayons!
JACOB: Hey guys. Is Optimus ready?
BELLA: Ready for what?
JACOB: Um…never mind.
QUIL: My girlfriend and I talked things out. I promised to respect her privacy and she promised to stop hanging out with boys who drink soda and have cell phones.
Sixty Years Later
BELLA: If we did get a house plant, and I'm not saying we should, but if we did, maybe we could put it in the kitchen.
EDWARD: You're wise.
ESME: There are three vents in the kitchen. Just sayin'.
OPTIMUS: Mom! Mom! I went outside today and saw these very tiny people congregating around a metal angled plank!
BELLA: Those were schoolchildren, my dear. They were playing at the park.
OPTIMUS: Are they related?
BELLA: No. They're probably just friends.
OPTIMUS: F…fr…friend? Is that a type of bread?
QUIL: Do you know what the best part about an immortal teenager making out with a sixty-three-year-old woman is? Everything.
And then everyone laughs as the Volturi enslave the world.
Breaking Dawn Final Thoughts:
After spending nearly two years reading these book, I'm still dumbfounded by the success of the series. The first book wasn't horrible, but hardly the sort of thing that should ignite mass fandom. New Moon had its moments, thanks to Jacob and the wolves, but it was as boring as shampoo instructions, and half as funny. Eclipse exists simply to kill trees and drag out the story. And Breaking Dawn is the worst book I've ever read.
I'm glad I read the books, though. It was fun writing about them every week, even if I seemed miserable at times. Letting my feelings spill out on the internet help me stay sane during the horror. And you guys made it a billion times better with all the hilarious comments and support. I even enjoyed the hate mail.
Huge, huge, huge bucket of thanks and love goes out to my editor Emma Chastain for coming up with the idea in the first place and for making my words more good. You are better than cake. (And thanks for letting me write disgusting Quil jokes week after week.) And a cyber hug to everyone at SparkNotes for making this happen and allowing me to clog up their webzone with crudely drawn pictures of girls with spaghetti hair.
Let me leave you with a poem:
There Were No Jetpacks
By Daniel A. Bergstein
Jacob dates babies, Edward's a joke.
Bella's as strong as a runny egg yolk.
Rose is quite nasty, Jasper's a bore.
Alice is worse than a cankerous sore.
Esme does nothing; is she even there?
Carlisle's only trait is the hue of his hair.
Emmett is fun, though absent a lot.
He must have been training the shark that he caught.
And to Stephenie Meyer, I do tip my hat.
You made billions of dollars with the world's biggest brat.
But you can't harm me now, I'm finished with you.
Go back to your castle, and your villainous zoo.
I shall read something better now. Something good filled with joy.
Perhaps I shall blog about a wizarding boy...
You are my life now.
We love you, Dan!
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