How To Be a Mad Scientist

Lots of kids are drawn to science because they're naturally inquisitive; they want to better understand the natural world, and to do something that benefits humanity as a whole. These kids are dorks.

Real science can only be pursued one way: madly. This has been the case ever since Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison nearly destroyed the state of New York, flinging bolts of lightning at each other from atop their laboratories in a duel to the death. Even before that, Victor Frankenstein cobbled together some body parts into a walking metaphor that could pretty definitely beat Isaac Newton in a fight, because come on. Mad science is the only good science, and here's how to pursue it on your own (maddened) terms.

Pick a discipline
Mad scientists tend to be physicists or chemists, but why not try something unique? As a Mad Archaeologist, you could cackle maniacally as you spent like three days dusting off what is either a piece of a very old jar or a rock. You could then wait in your office, madly, for carbon dating results to come back. Other possibilities include Mad Zoology (inventing abominations such as the frogdog and the flying whale), Mad Mineralogy (liking rocks), and Mad Meteorology (incorrectly forecasting the weather, but on purpose).

Develop a dangerously insane theory
Traditionally, a mad scientist would have to enroll in some university in a European mountain range, work on her mad dissertation or mad residency, pry gradually at secrets humanity was never meant to discover, and so forth. You can save time by just chattering loudly about your insane idea in a crowded Starbucks.

"But my catpig is brilliant, I tell you!" you will announce to absolutely nobody. "The loyalty of a cat! The cleanliness of a pig!" I will change the world!" And when people refuse to make eye contact with you, you've skipped right to your first mad science qualification: They Failed To Recognize Your Genius.

Retreat to your laboratory
Now that you've been spurned by society, you must retreat to your sanctum or lair. If your house is already on top of a volcano or in a spooky forest, you're all set. If not, just litter some plasma globes around your room or tether a couple of bats to your front porch. Make sure your family knows not to touch your stuff. ("Moooom, quit cleaning those! Those are my mad science bats!")

Gather some lackeys
But wait! you're probably thinking. Who's going to mind my bubbling flasks and my crates full of cats and pigs while I'm out menacing society? Your most aggravating friends, that's who! Hopefully you know a few people who spend all their time hobbling around a dark room and muttering to themselves.They're perfect for this job. If not, just recruit your least-favorite friends into this life of creepy servitude, because you're just going to kick them around when your schemes are inevitably ruined.

Vow revenge
You realize, of course, that your schemes will be ruined. As Tesla had his Edison, you will have some more successful scientist who spends his effort developing a shrewd business sense instead of a literal death ray and you will fade into cranky obscurity. So prepare for your vow of revenge now, because it's your big scene.

Revenge is best vowed while wringing your hands in front of a window during a thunderstorm, but you can do so from anywhere as long as you're sufficiently dramatic. Toaster burned your toast? Revenge. Have to read A Separate Peace? Drop to your knees and yell "Aaargh, John Knowles!" Society thinks you're mad? You'll show them who's mad! Flail your arms and shout about your catpig at the front door of the Petland until mall security drags you away.

What kind of mad scientists would you be?

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