Flyergirl13 Tells You How—To Survive the Penguin Apocalypse
flyergirl must have had a bad experience at the zoo's penguin exhibit. —Sparkitors
Honestly, I think the whole "zombie apocalypse" thing is kind of overplayed, and in the midst of all this "they're gonna eat my brainz!" hysteria, no one is even considering the penguin apocalypse. I mean, those little black and white birds have been acting extremely suspiciously—just look at the polar ice caps! These creatures have hypnotized world leaders with their cuteness, and everyone overlooks their deadly power. Well, no longer! When these flightless birds strike, you can be ready!
Step One: Get Informed. I think someone once said that you have to know your enemy in order to defeat them. This is true. If you can learn about penguins, you can learn how to use their weaknesses against them when the inevitable conflict occurs.
DO: Travel to Antarctica to live amongst the penguins for a year. The best way to glean information is to experience it firsthand. I recommend going in disguise, because we can't let them know that we have knowledge of their sinister plans.
DON'T: Read standard non-fiction books. They portray penguins as the most innocent, adorable, fun-loving creatures in the history of flightless birds, and you and I both know this is not the case.
Step Two: Assemble an Arsenal. You will have to defend yourself against these bloodthirsty monsters. Now, I am not advocating buying up the local gun shop and going crazy. PETA wouldn't be too pleased, would they? No, I far prefer peaceable defense.
DO: Buy the following in order to defend yourself against the penguins: a sauna, black licorice, an ample amount of swordfish, Ugg boots, and Taylor Swift CDs. Don't ask me what it's all for. That's for you to figure out when the time comes.
DON'T: Eat the swordfish. I hear it contains mercury, which can be bad if you eat the ample amounts that you purchased for penguin defense. I don't recommend eating the Uggs or CDs either.
Step Three: Find a Hideout. Identify a shelter to hide in when the penguins launch their attack. It will have to be in a tropical area, and have a storeroom with plenty of the above defense mechanisms. A sleeping area and bathroom would be useful too.
DO: Build a prototype first, probably in your garage.
DON'T: Tell your parents what you're doing. It will only alarm them. You'll know how to break the news when the right moment comes.
Step Four: Gather Peoplepower. Note that I refrained from saying "manpower" because women are just as important in the survival process. You must hide all your friends in your fort. Otherwise, they will be smited when the penguins march on your town.
DO: Choose people who might be helpful in your survival. Maybe someone who can speak Penguinese, or someone who can fly (an advantage over the flightless menaces attacking you).
DON'T: Accidentally bring a penguin into your fort. They may be disguised as humans in order to infiltrate your hideout, so run an extensive background check on everybody. (This is similar to checking for Death Eaters, which is also recommended when deciding who can come to your fort.)
Okay, so we've got the sauna, the bomb shelter, and the licorice. Can you fly? If so, you're in.
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