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Updated Coffeehouse Orders

Updated Coffeehouse Orders

By Rachel Korowitz

We're sick of boring old vanilla venti soy low-foam extra-drip-a-ccinos. Time to update these suckers, says we! And feel free to ask your local barista for these by name. She'll definitely know what you're talking about.*

LaTaye: Coffee that's so hot, it kind of makes you forget your name. It's also oddly good at musical theater.

Cafe Americano: 256-oz. super-sized blend with extra cream and extra sugar. As you'd expect, it's totally reviled by all other coffee nationalities.

Red Eye: Regular coffee laced with chlorine, ragweed, and A Walk To Remember.

Pink Eye: Stronger than a Red Eye, and garnished with a flaky crust that lasts 7-10 days.

CaPuccini: Self-indulgent java that blasts you with really shrill high notes. Viking helmet added only on request.

Caramel Mock-iatto: Dessert drink in which your coffee order is repeated back to you snidely; the barista then carelessly clobbers you with caramel. [Thanks for that one, Emily Winter!]

Frak-a-Chino: A futuristic drink only intended for Battlestar Galactica fans from Southern California.

Half-Calf: A steaming hot cup that's half-coffee, half-veal.

Flava Shot: Coffee infused with a large clock and gold teeth. Not to be confused with a Flay-vor Shot, which involves the coffee being skinned alive.

Chai Latte: A doubtful, smug latte. As in:

You: I think maybe I'll go for a run later.

Latte: Chai, right...

*She will definitely not know what you're talking about.

What's your standard coffee order?

Related post: The Pros and Cons of Coffee Shop Studying

Topics: Life
Tags: coffee, funny things, barista

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