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Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 38

Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 38

By Dan_Bergstein

Chapter Thirty-Eight: Power
Better Title: I Have No Idea What the Hell Just Happened, but I'm Left Feeling Angry, Tired, Cheated, Bored, Gassy, and Weak

This is the penultimate chapter. Bella says words. Edward is stupid. There is mention of love. And that's all I really understand. Like many sections of this book, I went back to reread this chapter, trying to figure out what happened and how the war was avoided and everyone walked away like best buddies who promise to stay in touch until they meet again at summer camp next year. After the second reading, I'm still as confused as a horse watching LOST.

My only explanation is that my copy of the book is missing a page in which Bella discovers a magician's hat and uses it to somehow wish away all danger. Or, maybe I'm just an idiot. Or, maybe Stephenie Meyer got tired of typing words and randomly shouted, "Done!" as she handed in her manuscript.

Here's what happens…I think.

Everyone is ready to fight in the forest. The Volturi are holding a short meeting off to the side to decide if Optimus will ever be a threat to vampire culture. Meanwhile, Bella is using her super shield to protect all the good vampires and werewolves. She's still seeing people as dots of light, and I still think she is suffering from a brain tumor. Poor thing.

And then the only action in this entire book takes place. Evil Alec uses mean mist to try to attack the good vampires, but Bella's shield blocks it. The good vampire Benjamin, who can control the elements, hurls snowy wind at Alec's mist.

Let me see if I have this straight. After spending two years of my life reading these books, flipping through more than 2,000 pages of drivel and cliché, I'm rewarded with a fight between mist, snow flurries, and an invisible bubble?

Mist.

Snow flurries.

And an invisible bubble.

This isn't a war. This is weather. Are they trying to bore each other to death? Maybe they'll ramp up the violence by attacking with shadows and drizzle. I've read school reports on A Tale of Two Cities that were more action packed and dynamic than this "battle." The Wikipedia entry on barns has a better, more satisfying conclusion.

Collectively, these books cost about $40. Give me thirty-five cents and I'll write you a better, more involved climax, and if you make it forty cents, I'll even toss in a leopard named Tito and laser-guided chainsaw. For $40, I expect…no, I demand there be a fight. A real fight. A fight with fists, claws, and loud, wet crunching noises. I'm not even asking for jetpacks. I knew in my heart there would be no jetpacks. But this?

Mist?

Snow flurries?

An invisible bubble?

Was this book written by an adult or a gaggle of 7-year-olds at a slumber party? I'm not even pissed. I'm confused. And it only gets worse.

Alec's evil mist is blocked by Bella's bubble, and the good vampires sense they might actually win this fight. They begin calling out who will kill which baddie. Kate wants to attack Jane. Vlad is itching to kill Alec. Edward will go after Demetri.

No one wants to attack Marcus because that would be like fighting a baby penguin… a baby penguin with a ridiculous and useless power. Marcus just hangs out in the back, probably sitting crossed-legged and playing with his Star Wars figures in the dirt while whimpering, "I don't even want to fight in your stupid war. Wars are for girls. Wars do not make one great. Isn't that right, Yoda?" He then does his best Yoda impression and says, "Yes! Viper are you."

Aro calls for a vote from his two brothers. Caius says they should kill the baby. Marcus says they should leave it alone. And then Stephenie Meyer herself writes, "It was as if Marcus hadn't spoken at all." Damn…even his own author thinks he's a doofus. Poor guy.

Aro is about to cast the tie-breaking vote, when suddenly Edward becomes really happy. No, he didn't just think of a new title for his lullaby about a sleepy tree. He senses something, and starts asking Aro pointed questions about this trial.

After some bloated speeches, Aro claims that if the Cullens can somehow prove that a hybrid vampire is not a threat, the Volturi will leave. But Aro doesn't think this is possible because Optimus is the only hybrid in the entire world.

Or is she?!

Nope. She's not. Thanks for reading these blogs. Hope you had fun.

The End

Oh…you want me to explain what happened? I don't wanna. It involves a certain character that rhymes with callus, a character I loathe more than I loathe sunburns. A character who is so horrible that I would rather watch the ending of a brutally honest Hilary Swank movie than witness this character's perky face say things.

It's Alice. She's back. And I hate her.

This was Alice's big plan: Go to South America and find another vampire hybrid. She then brings this hybrid back to Forks to prove to the Volturi that hybrids are nice.

That's it. This is what she couldn't tell Edward. This is what she kept hidden from her family. Why? Why? Why?

I know Aro can read minds, and that's why Alice needed to be secretive. If she had told Edward, "Brother dear, there's a hybrid that I will find in another country and bring back to Forks," and then Aro touched Edward (giggle), Aro would know Alice's secret.

But so the hell what? It's not like this was a surprise party.

What would happen if Aro knew of Alice's plan. It might have actually helped. Aro knows Alice is a powerful psychic, and would have wanted to learn more about this hybrid before making any rash decision. Aro is a villain, but he's smart (sort of), and if another hybrid existed, he would want to study and learn about these creatures instead of assassinated an entire clan of good vampires.

So all the hidden message, trips to J. Jenks, family abandonment was worthless. Completely worthless.

I hate Alice.

Oh…I forget o mention that Alice just happens to arrive during the thirty-three seconds that Aro is mulling over his verdict. Had she stopped to get a Slurpee or tripped over a rock on her way, everyone would be dead. Good timing, Stephenie Meyer.

The hybrid's mother's sister (you read that right) does the talking. She describes growing up someplace where there were vampires in the forest and how her sister had sex with one of these creatures and then became pregnant. The baby killed the mother during the delivery, and then bit the sister, and now the sister is a full-blown vampire but the baby is a nice and kind fully-grown hybrid.

This story goes on and on, because exactly what you want at the end of a four volume book series is to listen to a heretofore unmentioned character explain things in wordy, convoluted detail while the main characters who you've been following for book after book stand around aimlessly. They teach you that in Story Telling 102. (Story Telling 101 involves tips on using psychic characters to move a lazy story forward, and Story Telling 103 deals with shape-shifters and how it's totally cool to bring this up in the final few pages of a novel.)

The hybrid interrupts his aunt and explains that he grew at a rapid pace until the age of seven, when he reached maturity. He has stayed at this "age" for 150 years.

Two things bother me:

1. This means Jacob can have sex with a 7-year-old.
2. It doesn’t explain why hybrids need to mature fast. He just tells us what we already know. What's the point? It's like reading a mystery novel that ends with, "That man was murdered. Probably for some reason or another."

Another thing bothers me: This hybrid can turn humans into vampires, but not all hybrids are venomous. (Convenient, no?)

But a vampire's powers come from the venom. This was explained in one of the books, right? So if Optimus has no venom, where does he strength, intelligence, and agility come from? Chromosomes, you stupid idiot. Have you learned nothing!?

And what's the deal with the werewolves being shape-shifters? With only one chapter left, will this plot hole ever be discussed and explained? Some people have told me that Jacob's pack can only turn into wolves. So, wouldn't that make them werewolves?

Anyway, Aro believes this full-grown hybrid's story and orders the Volturi to go home. They will not trouble the Cullens again.

Huh?

You travel all the way to America's North West with your entire army of vampires, and you decide to go home and play Xbox simply because some sexy stranger hopped out of the woods and said, "Hybrids are nice and fun!"

Why would Aro believe this guy? And even if this hybrid is nice, that doesn't mean all hybrids are nice. We know that some hybrids are venomous, so clearly not all hybrids are the same. There's a very real chance that Optimus will grow up to be an evil witch hell bent on destroying the Volturi.

The hybrid says his vampire father still lives in the forest of South America and is creating all sorts of hybrids with various human women. (His dad must be hooking up with women through Match.com.) The Volturi don't like this and plan to investigate, but leave Optimus and this grown-up Hybrid alone because…um…the book is ending.

[Dan straps on his roller skates]

One chapter left. It's almost time!

Murmurs: 4 (Book total: 107)
Mutters: 1 (Book total: 59)

Prediction:

EMMETT: Wait. What the hell just happened?
BELLA: Isn't it wonderful! The Volturi left and no one was hurt!
EMMETT: Well, Irina was ripped to death and then burned.
BELLA: My baby is safe!
EMMETT: And the Volturi are still a corrupt and powerful vampire dictatorship.
BELLA: My baby has pretty hair.
EMMETT: At any moment, the Volturi could make a move against not only the Cullens but all of humanity.
BELLA: Look at my baby's tummy. Isn't it the cutest tummy in the world?
EMMETT: You heard Aro. He's threatened by human technology. Are we honestly going to stand around and wait for him to declare war on the humans?
BELLA: My little snow pea, show us your twirl dance. Everyone, watch my darling child do a twirl!
EMMETT: Not to mention the thousands of innocent people the Volturi kill in Italy.
BELLA: Who wants tummy kisses?!
EMMETT: I'm just saying that it's rather despicable for us to allow the Volturi to walk away. We're hardly heroes. I don't even know why I bothered to bring my sledge hammer and sledge harpoon.
JACOB: Hey, quick question: When, exactly, is Optimus' seventh birthday? I'm making a motel reservation.
EMMETT: [Bows his head] I'm so sorry, Dan Bergstein. I really am.

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Topics: Books
Tags: blogging twilight, blogging breaking dawn

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