In real life, you don't come right out and ask someone to be your friend, unless you're four or playing a very sinister character in a prison film. But on Facebook, it's totally acceptable—until you completely blow it by asking wrong. A quick primer: This is a "good" friend request: “Hi, we are friends! Want to also be my Facebook friend?” This is a “bad” friend request: “BRAAAINSSS.” Got it? Good. Here’s how to be a totally suave friend requestor, or at least how to not be so lame that Mark Zuckerberg asks that you please leave his website.
Friend Target: Your Crush
Right: Take it easy, now. Something like, “Hey, we have math together” is enough.
Wrong: Do not, for the love of God, simply transcribe the horrendously longwinded voicemail message you would leave were you to call your crush: "Hi, it’s me! Or, sorry, how would you know who ‘me’ is. Or wait, we’re on Facebook. Is it hot in here? Wait, wait, we’re in different places. So I was thinking if you weren’t doing anything tomorrow night, maybe you’d want to be my Facebook friend? Or now. You can just accept it now. Just let me know. Okey dokey, artichokey! Oh, geez. I don’t know why I said that. Just, goodbye.”
Friend Target: Your Ex
Right: Has it been at least six months since you broke up? Yes? Proceed! Something like “I can’t believe we’re not already Facebook friends” should work, unless you defriended the ex in a fit of rage and pain, in which case “Let’s be friends again!” has the proper ring of self-deprecation/sincerity.
Wrong: “WHO IS S/HE?! THAT PERSON WITH YOU IN YOUR PROFILE PIC WHOOOO?! Oh, wanna be my FB friend? And you still have my October 2009 issue of Vanity Fair, jerk.”
Friend Target: Buddy from Camp
Right: Few bonding experiences are more intense than the kind that occur at camp, aside from the kind that occur when you accidentally lock yourself and several strangers inside an iron lung. When friending a former bunkmate (or iron lung buddy), it’s best not to expect too much. Just stick with “Hey, let's stay in touch!”
Wrong: “Remember when we halfheartedly exchanged e-mail addresses, sure we'd never see each other again once the rush of sleeping four feet apart wore off? Found you on Facebook, sucka! Prepare to be Liked.”
Friend Target: Person You'd Like to Be Friends With
Right: Just send the request. No message necessary. The friendship will happen if it's gonna happen.
Wrong: “Hey new Facebook friendo! Let me reiterate per the voicemails I left you that I like your hair! Do you think my hair would look good like that? Can you help me cut it like that? Can’t wait to make our first joint FB photo album! I’m calling it ‘Besties take back the night.’ It’ll commemorate our first sleepover. See you Friday night!”
We can't help it; we realllllly like the "wrong" way to friend a buddy from camp. Have you ever sent a totally regrettable friend request?
Related post: 10 Reasons Why Your Facebook Friends Love You
Topics: Life, The Internets
Tags: facebook, crushes, friends, internet, funny things, friend requests
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