Never Been Kissed Michigan: New Plan=Operation "Sway the Spence"

thenameselodie just can't catch a break. WHAT GIVES?—Sparkitors

If this were “Never Been Kissed: the Movie,” Liam would have said “I just found out who Spencer has a crush on.” (Dramatic pause.) “YOU!” Then again, if this were a movie, my first kiss pursuit would’ve gone horribly awry when my parents were kidnapped by bandits. I’d spend the entire movie tracking them down, and in the end Spencer would die heroically in my arms and we’d share a fantastically unrealistic first kiss before his untimely death. We would all learn that life is cruel but love conquers all. Roll credits.

But sadly, my life is not a movie, and what Liam actually said was, “I just found out who Spencer has a crush on.” He paused here, and for half a second I imagined all the exciting possibilities, but then—“It’s VALERIE!”

And then Liam was gone, and I was standing there with this stunned expression like I’d just been punched in the face. My first thought was this: so he doesn’t like me, closely followed by who the hell is Valerie? I drove home, raced inside, yanked out the yearbook and painstakingly thumbed through it until I found the only Valerie in our entire school (seriously). Then I had that moment of oh, that girl clarity. The stomach-dropping sensation was not far behind; Valerie is this junior with an adorable black pixie haircut and freckles and huge blue eyes, and for a moment I just sat there wishing I also had an adorable black pixie haircut and freckles and huge blue eyes. Now, because I consider myself a well-balanced individual, I forwent the eat-a-million-Fudge-Rounds-and-watch-Titanic strategy in favor of the go-jogging-and-listen-to-melancholy-tunes-on-my-iPod-so-I-can-pretend-I’m-in-a-sad-music-video one, which is the more therapeutic of the two, and devoted some thought to the whole Spencer situation.

I thought, Who knows if it’s even true? Rumors spread. Things get around. Don’t put too much stock in it. Maybe Liam jumped to conclusions. Maybe he made it up. And the whole “he said she said so-and-so has a crush on so-and-so”… what is this, second grade? All in all, I was feeling much better about the whole thing. Your comments were a godsend. I love your feedback, and you make me feel like my blood pumps liquid awesome. Seriously—when it’s cold outside, you guys are the month of May.

Speaking of which, I’m aware that the “Elodie and Liam are soulmates” theory is a popular one, but believe me—that’s not the case. Quite apart from the fact that I’ve never seen him in any sort of romantic light whatsoever (and the feeling is mutual), Liam has a lot going on right now, and I can say with absolute certainty that the last thing on his mind is a girlfriend, particularly one who’s seen his Spiderman pajamas so many times.

Then I thought, Who the heck says I can’t just ask Spencer about it myself? I like to think I’m not the kind of person who plays games. But let’s be serious here. I meticulously plotted the acquisition of Spencer’s phone number, right down to the seat I’d be sitting in when I got it, which didn’t pan out. It was only when I literally dove headfirst out of my comfort zone that I managed to snag his digits. I decided I’d be cool and calm and charming and witty, and if he was on the fence about Valerie, maybe I could coax him over to my side with my abundance of charm and wit.

I saw Liam the next morning in the parking lot and immediately threw my “cool and calm” strategy right out the window; I shouted “LIAM!” and capped it off by wiping out on the ice. My brother Alex glanced over his shoulder to make sure I wasn’t dead, laughed, said, “Slick,” and left. I clawed my way into a standing position by grabbing my car as Liam approached.

“Well,” he said. “That was graceful.”

“Yeah,” I said. “Did you do the anatomy homework?” He barely got out a noise of affirmation before I ran right over him with, “By the way, how’d you find out about Valerie?”

“About who?” he said vaguely, tying his shoes.

“Valerie,” I pressed. “The girl Spencer likes? Or were you just being—”

“Oh,” he said, straightening up. “Valerie. Right. He told me.”

Crap! “When?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Yesterday,” he said. “You went to Burger King, and he told me about it right before you came in wearing the crown and complaining about your toy. Hard to see why he prefers her, really.” He smirked. “But I did talk you up. I told him you weren’t nearly as socially awkward as you seemed.”

“You’re a terrible wingman,” I grumbled.

I didn’t get a chance to chat with Spencer about Valerie for a few days; he was either with friends or not there at all. Twice I observed him walking with the infamous Valerie in the hallway, and once I saw them walking home from school together. (THE HORROR!) Had they always had a casual walking relationship? Was I just now noticing this? Or was it new? At first I didn’t want to text him about it—it seemed, I don’t know, too indirect, even though I did have the necessary tools now (AKA HIS NUMBER. I just love saying it. SPENCER'S NUMBER IS IN MY PHONE). But I knew I needed an update for you guys, so I thought to myself, Think of the Sparklers, Elodie. THE SPARKLERS. And I forged ahead and made casual texting small talk before asking, “So, I heard you and Valerie might be a thing.” Smiley face, like I thought that was awesome. His response? “Maybe…” Further inquiries elicited an all-out “yes, I do like her in that way” (direct quote).

Okay. Okay, I’m staying positive. As of now, I’m clinging to the idea that he can like more than one person, and that I can sway him. That’s possible, right? And let’s face it—if this were your typical cheesy teen movie, I’d be in the perfect position for some lip action. The girl who seems like she’s going to lose the guy usually gets him in the end. And life always adheres to the rules of the Typical Cheesy Teen Movies. Right? Right. (Don’t pee in my cheerios. Just let me dream.)

If anyone can sway Spencer, it's you, elodie—but now the question is, is he even worth your precious, awesome time? You guys, more advice! NOW!

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