Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 37
Chapter Thirty-Seven: Contrivances
Better Title: Annoyances
Albert Miller is there. And Allan Miller. Oh man, that sounds like a dumb name. After that comes Allan G. Miller. Followed closely by Allen Miller, Allen R. Miller, and Allen V. Miller. Isn't that nuts? Up next is Alvin Miller. His phone number has a 7 in it. More like "Al-Fun" Miller…am I right?
Oh, sorry. I've decided to stop blogging Breaking Dawn, and instead to blog the phone book. So far, it's much more interesting and involved than the Twilight Series. I can't wait to get to the B's!
I should finish Twilight, though. As boring and tedious as it is, it can't get much worse now. All the bad, awful parts of the book must be finished and these final chapters will wrap up everything, right?
So very, very wrong.
First the good news. I have turned into a werewolf. My anger towards these books ignited my werewolf gene during the last blog and I'm now a full-blown werewolf. When in wolf form, I am super strong, Ihave super hearing, I'm really good at basketball, and my level of amazingness increases by seventeen units. It's great.
However, I did fall in love with my pencil mug. It was love at first sight. The mug is like a balloon tethered to my soul. Never before have I experienced a feeling as powerful as this. I love you, pencil mug! But I will wait until you are older before I kiss you. That is sensible and romantic.
No one better mess with my beloved pencil mug! I will protect Mugsy (that's her nickname) at all cost. I shall die defending my betrothed! She is my balloon! Mugsy, I want to be both your father and your kissing-friend. It's not strange. It's passionate.
But even my wolf powers and inappropriate love cannot help me handle the awfulness of this chapter. The chapter drags out the tension between the good vampires and the bad vampires, and feels like the longest chapter in this book, filled with wordy speeches that can be best summed up thusly:
ARO: The baby isn't a vampire, but could still pose a threat. Perhaps we should kill it.
GARRET: Don't kill it.
ARO: I will think about this.
MARCUS: I will help by writing insightful, viper tweets regarding Charlie Sheen's relationships.
Caius wants to kill everyone and doesn't understand why Aro is taking his sweet time. When Aro tries to explain that Optimus is a hybrid, Caius looks for other reasons to kill the Cullens, such as their friendship with the werewolves.
And then this book takes another long trip down Wacky Avenue. Uh-oh. I'm starting to tremble and my hair is growing at an alarming rate. Must. Calm. Down.
[Dan listens to Enya and rubs warm cotton balls on his belly.]
With two sentences, Stephenie Meyer changes her mind about everything she has written prior to this. Remember the werewolves? Guess what. They're not werewolves.
[Dan turns into a wolf.]
Hooooowl! Woof! Woof! Bark!
I'm Wolf Dan! I'm mad! I want to eat villains and my basketball skills have increased significantly! Bark! Bark! Jetpack! Jetpack! Hoooowl! Woof.
Wait…am I a werewolf? If Jacob isn't a werewolf, then what the hell am I?
[Dan transformed back into a human to think this through.]
Edward and Aro explain that the werewolves are actually shape-shifters who could change into any shape they wanted. Wha-wha-wha-WHAT?!
There are real werewolves. They live in Europe, transform under the full moon, and are true enemies of the vampires. But Jacob and his pack aren't really werewolves. They are shape-shifters. Read this paragraph a dozen times. It still won't make sense.
And now you can probably guess how I got this book-shaped bruise on my forehead.
"Convenient" isn't even the proper word for this shoddy prose. "Barfy" is more appropriate. Had Ms. Meyer written Romeo and Juliet, it would have ended with Romeo saying, "Oh, by the way, I'm not really a Montague. I'm a Richardson. So there is no problem with our relationship. Also? My tears cure tuberculosis and my snot grants wishes."
This is bad writing. Meyer is changing the story at the last minute because she's lazy and thinks her readers are idiots. This is a story-telling technique used by little kids as they yammer on about a made up tale, quickly adding in new bits of information as needed. Example:
"And the dragon was really a rabbit and the rabbit ran away and then the princess got married and then there was a magic balloon that she could float on because it was her birthday and she had magic powers on her birthday and she went to France because that's where the magic flute was and she was also a ballerina. And the rabbit's name was Stacy. The End."
I wouldn't feel as angry if this plot point had been hinted at before, or even if it were presented as the answer to a big mystery. As it stands, it's a throwaway sentence used to plug a plot hole.
BOOK EDITOR: Why would the evil vampires let the werewolves live?
BOOK EDITOR: You used that already.
MEYER: What if the werewolves aren't werewolves?
BOOK EDITOR: That sounds kinda awful.
MEYER: [Petting her evil crocodile] Do you know what else sounds "kinda" awful, my dear? The sound of your flesh hitting the courtyard floor below.
BOOK EDITOR: You'd never! The fall would kill me. They would lock you up for murder!
MEYER: Accidents happen, my dear. Accidents happen…
The werewolves are shape-shifters. What does that even mean? And if they could take on any shape, why are they all wolves? You'd think at least one of them would choose to be a dinosaur. I know I would.
So am I a werewolf or am I a shape-shifter? As much as I love werewolves, I'd rather be a shape shifter. Dinosaur Dan ahoy! [Dan flexes his toes, desperately hoping that toe muscles are the key to dinosaur transformation.]
If they aren't really werewolves, why do they act like wolves? Why do the respect the alpha male, just as wolves do? Why are they so similar to werewolves? They look like werewolves. They act like werewolves. Aren't they werewolves? If a man baked bread his whole live, wouldn't he be a baker? Nope. Stephenie Meyer would call him a Flour Sorcerer, and he would probably fall in love with a zygote.
So Caius can't arrest the Cullens for befriending werewolves because they are not werewolves, and vampire culture has no laws regarding friendship with shape-shifters.
These werewolf-esque creatures killed a bunch of vampires. Surely the Volturi would find that reason enough to attack, even if the wolves are not true werewolves. If you're fighting a war with Finland, and a Norwegian man kills your brother, are you going to say, "Damn. I would attack that Norwegian man, but since he's not Finnish, there's nothing I can do. Would you like some tea and biscuits, Norwegian Man?"
I expected more from the Volturi. But then again, it did take them 30 days to travel across America, perhaps because they rode in hot dog carts pushed by strong wind.
Still looking for a fight, Caius calls forth Irina and asks if she thinks the Cullens broke any laws. Irina admits that the Cullens are innocent and apologizes for misinforming the Volturi and wasting everyone's time. Caius flashes some shiny object and the evil vampire attack Irina, ripping her to shreds.
Good. At least someone dies in this book. But let's see if I understand the Volturi's legal system.
If you tell a human that vampires exist, the punishment is a free trip to Italy followed by a mild warning, super powers, and immortality.
If you are a wolf-like creature who kills vampires, the punishment is nothing, as long as you're not really a werewolf.
If you waste the Volturi's time, you are brutally torn apart and burned to death in front of your family.
Hmmm. Seems fair.
Dear Makers of Angry Birds,
If the Volturi find out about your fun, addicting, time-wasting game, you have much to fear. Come to my house. I will grant you sanctuary, as long as you make me a level of your game that takes place in outer space and features cosmic dragons. Hope you like spaghetti.
By the way, Bella's love shield is now more perfect than before. Not only can she envelope all of her friends in this cocoon of convenience, but she can see her friends as shiny dots of sparkling light in her mind…or something. I have no clue what this means, but for paragraph after paragraph Bella describes seeing her friends as forces of energy or warmth or some crap like that. I offer 700 Dan Points to anyone who can explain this love shield crap.
Why can't she see her friends like a normal person? I can see my friends. I don't need my friends to shine like a chemical fire in my mind. If I want to know where my buddy Griff is standing, I look in his direction and then…whadyaknow! There's Griff. Hi Griff! And then Griff and I get tacos.
Does this power of perception make me a superhero vampire? Am I a werewolf? Am I a shape-shifter? I'm so confused. Mugsy, hold me.
Caius feels let down. He wants a reason to kill the Cullens. Aro, who is still a cool villain despite his affinity for hand holding, has a more subtle way to detonate the fury of his witnesses. He speaks to the vampires, asking them for opinions on what should be done with Optimus.
Aro then dives into a multi-page speech about the need for secrecy. He looks to his witnesses and asks if they can trust the Cullens to remain hidden from humanity, or if they will eventually lead to the downfall of all vampires.
Garrett (the good vampire) interrupts Aro's pep talk. In another lengthy speech, Garrett tries to convince the vamps that the Volturi came here to kill Optimus and are now making up excuses for their justice. He tells them to either stand with the Cullens or live for eternity under the corrupt thumb of Aro, Caius, and Marcus (giggle). It's a powerful, epic speech.
And so the big moment of this book, and the entire series, has nothing to do with Edward, Bella, or Jacob, and instead a little-known vampire we first met a few chapters ago gets to be the hero. Wouldn't this scene have worked better if one of the characters we knew made the impassioned speech? Hell, if Mike Newton showed up and convinced the vampires of the Volturi's corruption, I would have felt something. Or if Emmett killed the lot of them with a modified lawn mower. But Garrett? Who the hell is Garrett?
And am I a werewolf or not? This could really screw with my tax form.
Some of the random vampires run away. Most stick around to see what happens next. Sensing trouble, Bella tells Optimus to flee with Jacob as they planned. Optimus says goodbye to her parents and hops on Wolf Jacob's back.
It is not explained why Jacob doesn't shape shift into a giant hawk or spaceship to make matters easier. But I assume the answer has something to do with chromosomes and Stephenie Meyer's inability to tell a story without sounding like a hyper second grader who just ate cake for the first time.
The good vampires huddle close together, knowing that Aro will soon give the order to attack. I would say this was exciting, but the exact same scene has occurred 78 times in the last three chapters, so pardon me if I yawn.
Edward says to Jacob, "Goodbye Jacob, my brother…my son." And with that, I rip off my own foot and smack myself in the face with it until I forget who I am.
Murmurs: 6 (Book total: 103...double digits!)
Mutters: 1 (Book total: 58)
JACOB: So I'm not a werewolf?
JACOB: But I look like a werewolf.
EDWARD: You're not a werewolf.
JACOB: And you knew this all along?
JACOB: This is shocking. [Jacob leans against a tree.]
EDWARD: Stop leaning on that whale.
EDWARD: You're leaning on a whale.
JACOB: This is a tree.
EDWARD: No. It's a whale. A shape-shifting whale. Stop leaning on it. It doesn't like that.
JACOB: I'm confused.
EDWARD: All trees are really whales in disguise. Why do you think trees are so big?
JACOB: That makes sense.
QUIL: Hey, guys. Couldn't help overhear your conversation. Quick question. What muscles should I be flexing if I want to transform into the ball pit at the day care center? You know…just for fun.
LOLOLOL, are we right??
More giggles await you here.