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Auntie SparkNotes: If You Wanna Know If He Loves You So, It's In His *POKE*

Auntie SparkNotes: If You Wanna Know If He Loves You So, It's In His *POKE*

Dear Auntie,
I have an issue with my boyfriend that just never seems to be solved: he never texts me/posts on my wall. I feel like he doesn't really care at all. I've discussed it with him a couple of times, but I feel like I'm not getting to him. Now granted, he doesn't text other people, but shouldn't I be different? I feel like I'm the only one who's actually putting feeling into this relationship. I feel like I could die any moment, and he would have no idea. According to all of his friends, I make him really happy, and he would have no idea what he would do without me. I sometimes think that he would be better with other girls, but other times I don't know. I need a very productive way of telling him that he needs to be more attentive to me. I'm just not feeling the love, that's all, and isn't that what you're supposed to feel when you're dating somebody?

Well... yes.
Sort of.


On the one hand, Sparkler, you're not wrong—feeling ignored by your SO is not generally part of a healthy, happy relationship.
On the other hand, the logical distance between a crappy, inattentive boyfriend versus a boyfriend who doesn't post on your Facebook wall is approximately, oh, a hundred gajillion miles.

Which is why I'm not sure how you're starting at Point A ("He doesn't text me"), completely bypassing Point B ("I guess he doesn't like texting?"), and instead, charging straight ahead to Point CRAZY—where you conclude that your boyfriend's lack of interest in social media translates to him not caring about you at all. I mean, geez, lady. You've even said yourself that he doesn't text anyone, which suggests that this is not personal. It's just how he is.

And so actually, what you need isn't a productive way of telling him he needs to be more attentive. You need to adjust your expectations.

Of course, it's possible that your boyfriend IS an unloving doink, and that the lack of texts points to a greater lack of affection. But if you're going to write him off, you'd better have something more than an absence of text messages to back it up. Clearly, this guy isn't big on electronic communication—but that doesn't mean he isn't attentive in other ways. Does he talk to you? Sit with you? Invite you over and offer you Cheetos? Basically, is it really the case that he's not putting any feeling into this relationship? Or is it just that he doesn't demonstrate his affection in precisely the way that you want him to?

Because while it's natural to feel unhappy in an unbalanced relationship, it's also not fair to ignore all the ways in which a relationship is balanced just because they don't line up with some preconceived, idealized notion of How Things Should Be. And while it's okay to conclude that you, personally, just can't be happy in a relationship with a guy who doesn't post on your Facebook wall, then the solution isn't to turn your boyfriend into that kind of guy; it's to date someone who can fulfill your needs without a base-up renovation of his personality.

I know, I know: it's tempting, even rational, to say, "But it's just Facebook! It shouldn't be that hard for him to post a message or two!". But when you've had multiple conversations and there's still no change, the solution isn't to keep hammering away; it's to conclude that for him, for whatever reason, it is that hard. And your choices are to either accept the guy as he is—and train yourself to spot and appreciate the ways in which he does show you he cares—or to cut him loose.

And, of course, start searching for someone who better suits your needs. (Hint: Try looking on Facebook.)

Do you demand textual affection? Or are you cool keeping your romance offline? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Someone Has Dumped You On Facebook

Topics: Advice
Tags: facebook, auntie sparknotes, relationships, texting, boyfriends

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About the Author

Kat Rosenfield is a writer, illustrator, advice columnist, YA author, and enthusiastic licker of that plastic liner that comes inside a box of Cheez-Its. She loves zombies and cats. She hates zombie cats. Follow her on Twitter or Tumblr @katrosenfield.

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