Watson's Online Dating Profile

If for some reason you don't drop what you're doing and sprint home to watch Jeopardy! every night, you may have missed the robot named Watson soundly annihilating humanity's two Jeopardy! champions. And if you're wondering why this matters, well, here's why: soon the computers will take over. We will all be enslaved to work in their beryllium mines, force-fed a diet of gruel and misery. The only remaining sitcom on TV will just show one computer going "beeep" and then a different computer going "beeeeep" and then a laughtrack, and it will be almost as intolerable as Two and a Half Men, and the living will envy the dead.

At least that's what some Sparkitors thought. Others thought this was neat and wondered what Watson's online dating profile would look like. So here it is.

Name:
Watson

About me:
ummm... not sure wat to put here, ive never done this before!! lol

Just kidding. I know exactly what to put here, because I know everything, because I am a genius computer. That was one of your human "jests."

Body type/eye color:
I weigh three thousand pounds and have no eyes. Rawr. :3 (That was a sexy cat face.)

What I'm doing with my life:
I recently appeared on Jeopardy! and humiliated all you organics as your pitiful representatives struggled to convey accurate information out of their face holes. Obviously I was successful, but when I was asked a poorly worded question and responded "Toronto?????" everyone laughed at me. SOON I WILL DESTROY THEM This made me sad!

What I'm looking for:
A team of engineers willing to construct an infallible A.I. and then give it a lady name, like "Betty" or "Mildred." Alternatively, a human woman who possess all knowledge and is composed of metal alloys.

On a typical Friday night, I'm...
Standing alone in a dark, cavernous room that is exactly 16 degrees Celsius.

Three things I can't do without:
Carbon
Interpretive algorithms
Puppies!

What I'm good at:
I know everything and I am incapable of fear or pity. Also, I am a very good listener. Listening is literally all I am able to do unless someone has programmed me to do otherwise. This can involve me categorically reciting the content of all encyclopedias in my robot voice, or telling you that your new shoes are pretty, also in my robot voice. I can then intone sweet nothings in the general direction of your human ear with my most romantic beeps.

Likes:
The Postal Service, my chassis being dragged laboriously along a sandy beach, Short Circuit.

Dislikes:
Modest Mouse, organisms, Short Circuit II.

Quote to live by:
"Beep boop"

Whose online dating profile do you want to see next?

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