Megan's Life Lessons: The Truth About Prom

By Megan Prietzel

February 25, 2011

Prom. Or promenade. Or, as I like to call it, Horrifying Death. For some, prom is the culmination of high school. You’ve looked forward to it, you’ve already carefully selected your attire, you’ve talked about it non-stop for practically ever and now…now you’re stressin’ about your date. “Will I have a date?” you ask. “Will anyone ask me? If I ask him, will the object of my affection say yes?” What you should really be worried about are the rabid punch-snakes.

I am here to break to you the startling truth about prom. Let my words be your guiding beacon so that forevermore, you will be prepared for whatever prom may throw your way and you will probably not be subjected to attempted murder by a possibly evil horse. This is where I shamelessly link to a post that I wrote about my own prom experience in which I almost was killed by two small horses. It can happen. Believe the hype.

Shocking Truth about Prom #1: Your dress is less important than your shoes.

It’s true. Think about it: Prom will be filled with dozens of prett-ay lad-ays who have carefully selected the most perfectly sparkly combination of tulle and gaudy embroidered roses with which to sheath their awkward adolescent bodies. Ain’t no dress gonna stand out in that. Sure, you should choose an outfit that makes you feel like a show-stoppa. Also, do not wear a towel. However, here’s the real secret to prom: YOUR SHOES WILL KILL YOU IF YOU ALLOW IT. Do you know what heels are? Heels are an invention of one million evil dictators combined with glamorous editors of fashion magazines specifically designed to slowly torture your feet into submission while making you look fabulous. Alas, they are often necessary when you are like me and are easily mistaken for a hobbit or sixth grader. Heels should probably be avoided though because even though they will make you look like a sassy superstar they will also probably make you fall over during “Drop It Like It’s Hot” and then you will break your leg and you will spend prom in the emergency room and then your date will be Dr. Roberts who is slightly balding and that’s just awkward for everyone. Suitable alternatives to heels are:

1. Galoshes
2. Bunny slippers
3. Tissue boxes
4. Ham sandwiches
5. Strategically super-glued skittles

Basically, if you wear heels, you will have a horrible time. Allow me to demonstrate with this incredibly graphic and also well-drawn picture:

One minute you’re having the time of your life…

And the next minute…

IT HAPPENS THAT FAST. JUST LIKE LIGHTING. OR THE UNFORTUNATE WANING OF MY ATTENTION SPAN.

Shocking Truth about Prom #2: You will sweat like Chelsea Dagger. If she were in a tanning bed. On the sun.

Prom is HOT. And not in the good way. All those hormonal scantily-clad bodies within two centimeters of each other, bumpin’ and grindin’ on ye olde dance floor make for an ocean of sweat. You will be engulfed in the tidal wave of perspiration, especially when it gets somewhat nasty and the adults start freaking out and they’re all, “AAAAAH HOW DO WE MAKE THEM STOP? ALL THESE PELVIC THRUSTS! IN MY DAY WE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE PELVISES!” You know it’s true. You have two options: 1. Stand by the punch and remain beautiful. ave absolutely no fun dancing whatsoever. 2. LISTEN TO MY WORDS. AND MY DRAWINGS. Um…listen to my written words and drawings. With your eyes. Right-o.

To prevent perspiration, follow this simple instructional picture:

Shocking Truth about Prom #3: Rabid punch-snakes.

There are snakes that live in the punch bowls. These snakes usually have rabies. Don’t believe me? Then gaze upon this shocking real life photograph that is definitely from real life and is not a drawing.