Boy Hunt: A Brief History of Utter Humiliation
Hello, and welcome to another week of Geeraff’s success attempt at hunting talking to boys (the weirdest species I’ve ever encountered).
Today will be a day of revelations. Today will be a day of history. Today will be a day of utter humiliation. Today will be a day...
Dun da DAAAA!
... of the Best of the Best of Geeraff’s Embarrassing Boy Moments! Commence excitement. That’s right, folks, I’m letting you into the scary world of my awkward years (which many argue are still going on) to fully understand why talking to boys is equivalent to my fear of revolving doors and escalators.
Now, I realize that if I tried to include every instance where I embarrassed myself in front of a boy, we would be here until the cows come home. (...That would take a while, right?) So I’ve narrowed it down to the Top 3, leaving out such small incidents as missing my chair while my crush was watching or inviting one of the most popular boys in school to a dance by having a giant cookie delivered to his house, only to be rejected. Because I’m sure everyone’s done that.
All right, everyone, grab your goggles and nose plugs; we’re about to dive into the deep, terrifying and awkward waters that are... Geeraff’s Embarrassing Boy Moments.
Conveniently, the first two events revolve around the same boy. The Golden Boy. Quick introduction time! The Golden Boy is perfect, and... um... he’s just perfect. Healthy, tan skin and short, curly hair made of sunshine are only accentuated by his intelligence and sweet-as-apple-pie personality. Also, his mom was BFFs with my mom. Which meant that whenever the two of them were together, they planned our wedding. (For my mom, this is normal. She’s friends with every cute guy’s mom, and tries to marry me off.) (On a side note, I’m pretty sure it’s killing her that she’s never met Hodgins. Or his mother.) (Also, I love you Mommy!)
Now, one morning, I was sick. Therefore, I was in my pajamas, half asleep on our computer desk while playing some pointless game on the internet. I also had my blankie wrapped around my shoulders.
Let’s just say my sluggish reflexes as I tried desperately to hide the blankie failed as my father answered the door and The Golden Boy was invited into the house. I had completely forgotten that he had been asked over because he was fundraising for his sports team. (See?! Perfect.) Tragically, I was sitting in the room right beside the front door, so I had no way to escape from his million-dollar-smile and friendly greeting. I grunted out “hey” like a troll.
After this encounter, it seemed that whenever I did something ridiculous or weird, The Golden Boy magically showed up to witness it. Eventually, it progressed to this:
Me: I said something stupid today.
My friends: Was The Golden Boy there?
But the most mortifying incident, and the second Embarrassing Boy Moment, was during the coolest game ever played at my high school, Senior Tag, where teams get together and hunt each other down with water guns. Awesome.
Now, my team was losing, so when we were tipped off that an opposing member would be getting coffee before school, we woke up at the crack of dawn and drew up some battle plans. Because I can’t be trusted with any physical demand, I guarded the door of the coffee shop with a water pistol in the shape of a dolphin.
To sum up our elaborate mission, we got her. So when I walked into my first period class, I felt invincible. That is, until The Golden Boy overheard me relaying our success to another member of my team, and yelled at me for getting her out when she was in a school meeting. And as I think we’ve observed, Geeraff doesn’t do well in these situations.
The Golden Boy: Geeraff, you were totally unfair, she was in a meeting!
Me: They... um... were talking about prom... I think...
The Golden Boy: I don’t understand how you could do this!
Me: I... uh... just... like... guarded the door. I didn’t...
And then I melted into a puddle of shame. Have you ever been scolded by the most well-liked guy in school? It felt like I was wearing a scarlet letter for a while. I’m pretty sure our wedding was cancelled after that day.
Well, this brings us to our final Embarrassing Boy Moment! How bittersweet. Well, this incident happened recently, only last summer. Something you don’t know about me is that I love to grocery shop. Love. It. And when you wander the aisles of the same grocery store every other day, you tend to notice the employees.
Especially the cute blond one.
Let me set the scene. I’ve gathered all of my groceries, except for bread. I walk to the bread aisle. I turn into the bread aisle. Cute blond employee is there. He’s re-stocking MY brand of bread. I cautiously walk up to him. He doesn’t notice me. I awkwardly stand behind him. He doesn’t notice me. I shuffle around and hesitantly reach for a loaf of bread. He notices me. I speak: “Sorry! I just happened to be grabbing what you were stacking!”
Cute blond employee looks taken aback by my shouting. He blinks. I freeze. Then I turn on my heel and race out of the aisle as if those harmless loaves of bread were now nuclear weapons. Needless to say, I didn’t go grocery shopping alone very often after that. And my cousin still refers to the act of talking to a cute guy as “grabbing what he was stacking.”
As you can see, I’m DEFINITELY not practiced in the fine art of having normal conversations with boys, which is partly what motivated the boy hunt in the first place. But I guess what I’ve learned is that boys are actually people, and they’re not quite as scary as revolving doors and escalators.
Help Geeraff feel better—leave your embarrassing encounters in the comments.
Related post: Boy Hunt: Chipmunks, Pandas, and Spider Men