Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 36
Chapter Thirty-Six: Bloodlust
Better Title: Forest Chumps
This is it! The battle is near. The good vampires have formed a line in the forest clearing. They wait silently. Shapes glide forth from the darkening woods. The menacing Volturi have arrived at last, floating into the battlefield on a cushion of hate and malice. Tension drips from the thick winter's air. This is it!
And then Aro, Caius, and Marcus emerge from the forest holding hands. *sigh*
It's not mentioned in the book, but I bet Emmett is laughing his ass off. I know I am. Holding hands? That's how the mighty Volturi make their grand entrance into battle? It wouldn't surprise me if Marcus were wearing a ribbon in his hair and licking a big old-fashioned lollipop.
Hand-holding aside, I like Aro. He's a fun villain, one who is sinister yet charming. He's like The Emperor in Return of the Jedi, or Lucky, the evil leprechaun on the box of Lucky Charms. Though he only appears in a handful of paragraphs, Aro expresses more personality in these short scenes than Edward showed us in four long books.
But holding hands? Are these super villains going to war, or are they catty BFFs having a slumber party?
CAIUS: Hey Cullens, you want to play truth or dare?
ARO: I stole one of my dad's beers and I have ten straws. Who wants to taste it?
MARCUS: My stomach hurts. Can someone call my mom and have her pick me up?
ARO: Shut up, Marky. You just don't want to play Seven Minutes In Heaven because you don't know how to kiss.
MARCUS: Nuh-uh! I kissed, like, ten girls last year at art camp. You don't know because you weren't there. And they all said I was good at kissing.
EDWARD: Um…are we going to fight?
ARO: We're waiting for you to get sleepy. The minute you fall asleep we're going to write "Turd" on your forehead in permanent marker. That'll teach you to mess with us.
EDWARD: But I don't sleep.
ARO: Hmm…well, we're going to make you take off your shirt and then we're going to circle all your chubby areas with a permanent marker! That will ruin your self-esteem.
EDWARD: I have no chubby areas.
ARO: We're going to egg your house.
ARO: Bella, I dare you to kiss Marcus on the lips. If you refuse, we get to dip your hair in toilet water.
MARCUS: Seriously guys. My stomach hurts. I better go.
The hand-holding Volturi leaders have the obvious advantage. Not only did they bring the Volturi guard, but they rounded up a few random vampires to act as witnesses to their unique brand of justice. Plus, they have Mighty Marcus. Bella knows she can't win this fight, and thinks all hope is lost.
Sending Optimus with Jacob is out of the question because there are too many evil vampires, and surely one of them would be able to track down the pedophile and his lover. So….um, was all of that J. Jenks stuff pointless? Thanks for killing trees, Stephenie Meyer. If she wrote The Lord of the Rings, the story would contain a few paragraphs in which Gandalf writes love letters to Sauron just in case things don't turn out so great.
After a few moments of awkward silence, Carlisle breaks the ice and says hello to his old pal Aro. This leads to a conversation about motives and justice and vampires. Aro wants to kill Optimus because vampire babies are illegal. Carlisle tries to explain that Optimus is a hybrid and not a full-blown vampire, but Aro suspects trickery and doubts Carlisle is telling the truth.
During this tense standoff, Marcus must be sending his brother important information such as, "Bella really likes Edward a lot," and, "Bella does not enjoy volleyball very much at all." Marcus is the most powerful creature ever to exist in a work of fiction. (Sarcasm hand…that Marcus probably wants to hold.)
Irina, the evil b-word who ratted out the Cullens, is now standing with the Volturi. Aro calls her forth and demands to know the truth: is the child on Bella's back the same one Irina saw? Scared, Irina says she isn't sure, because Optimus looks older now. Caius slaps Irina across the face a few times, and that's why I crossed out Irina's name in this chapter and wrote "Dumb Stupid Bella" above it.
I won't lie. It felt good.
Aro steps in and touches Irina to read her mind. He sees that Optimus has indeed grown. Now Aro doesn’t know what to think. He came here to kill Optimus and most of the Cullens as punishment, but if the child is some super vampire freak, he wants to study and learn from Little Miss Perfect.
Aro is still unconvinced, and demands that Edward comes forward so he can touch him (giggle) and learn the truth. This causes Bella to lose her mind. She panics, knowing that the evil Dakota Fanning could use her mind powers on Edward, sending him into a seizure of pain. But there's nothing Bella can do because she's pathetic and I hate her.
Edward walks towards Aro, and Dakota Fanning smiles. This smile enrages Bella, causing her to become 291% more perfect. The rage unleashes Bella's power and she can now spread out her love shield to protect all the good guys and Edward.
This takes up a few paragraphs as Bella explains her newfound super-duper-duper-power. Apparently she can encase the entire world and possibly Pluto in her shield of love. Then she realizes Edward cannot be inside the shield if Aro is going to touch him and learn the truth, so she lowers her defenses.
Aro acts cool as he chats up Edward. His dialogue isn't great, but he's such a sneaky bastard that it's fun to see him interact with the lullaby lad. Smiling, Aro takes Edward's hand and reads all of Edward's thoughts, learning the truth about Optimus. After witnessing Edward's mind thoughts, Aro says he no longer wants to kill Optimus, but is intrigued by her existence.
He asks to meet Optimus, and Bella freaks out again. Edward will only allow Bella and Optimus to come forward if she can bring along two bodyguards. Bella picks Jacob and Emmett, of course. This is as close as I will ever get to seeing my idea for a TV show starring Jacob and Emmett called Jammet: Rocket Time Adventure.
Aro greets Optimus and she says hello. He's about to touch her hand to read her mind, but since she's a Cullen, she'd rather touch faces, and reaches up to Aro's head. The leader of the Volturi is impressed with what he sees, and tells his army that there has been a mistake. The child is not a vampire baby, but indeed a vampire hybrid.
He then returns to his army, saying there is much to discuss.
What? What the hell just happened?
There's a battle, right? The next chapter is called "Jammet: Rocket Time Adventure," right? Emmett is going to kill a bunch of bad guys, and Jacob will bite the heads off Marcus and Caius, right? Right? RIGHT?
Oh God. Oh please tell me this wasn't the big fight. Please tell me that the final few pages in this book are rife with blood and fists. I've been good. I read all the chapters, even the one in which Jacob talked about balloons. I read the freaking balloon chapter! I did my part. I choked down 670 pages of this drivel, all of which lead up to this war, the war I was promised. The war I demand.
Now where the hell is my war?
I'm afraid to read on. I'm afraid of what I will find in the last three chapters of the Twilight Series. I swear, if this story ends with Bella picking posies with Marcus while Edward plays Clue with Dakota Fanning, I will…I will…be so angry…I can't even think straight…I can't even finish writing…so angry...why are my legs shaking? Why are my fingernails growing? My sense of smell has improved. My teeth are suddenly sharper. I have a strong urge to stick my head out of car windows. My calves are flexing on their own…
THIS IS IT!
Murmurs: 8 (Book total: 97)
Mutters: 2 (Book total: 57)
Aro returns to his guards and discusses their options.
ARO: Listen up. The baby isn't a vampire. It's a hybrid. What should we do?
CAIUS: Kill it. No good can come of this.
MARCUS: Can I have some money for the vending machine? They have Cherry Coke. Cherry Coke is viper!
ARO: Marcus, can you pay attention, please? This is important.
MARCUS: Did you know the girl on How I Met Your Mother has a crush on Zac Efron?
ARO: How can that possibly help us? And stop holding my hand!
CAIUS: So we will kill the child and then destroy the Cullens.
ARO: Hmm…that's one idea. What if instead of hurting the Cullens, we buy them a cake with butter cream icing?
CAIUS: Why would we buy them cake?
ARO: Because cake tastes like dirt to them. They couldn't enjoy it.
CAIUS: Ok…but what about the hybrid?
ARO: We wait until she grows up, and then we write nasty things about her on Facebook.
CAIUS: That might work.
MARCUS: If I use my own money, can I buy a goldfish?
ARO: No. You get too upset when they die.
MARCUS: Nuh-uh. I'll be good this time. Honest. Can I?
ARO: I wish I could kick you out of the Volturi.
MARCUS: But you can't because I'm so super powerful, right?
ARO: Yeah…exactly. Stop holding my hand.
QUIL: Hey guys, is this war going to take much longer? My girlfriend is making ketchup sandwiches for dinner. It's her specialty.
MARCUS: Hey mister, I'm going to get a fish. It's gonna be viper!
QUIL: That's nice. Why are you holding my hand?
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