Mastering the Facebook Greeting: A How-To Guide for Young Love

When it comes to Facebook flirting, ccole13 is the hippest cat on the street. Word.—Sparkitors

The moment has finally arrived. Your entire life has been preparation for this event. No, you aren’t taking the SAT, interviewing for a job, or waiting to buy the iPod version 31.0…You are about to initiate the first Facebook chat with the love of your life, and it just has to go perfectly.
Stressed? Panicked? Going into anaphylactic shock? No need! Before you start worrying about the ramifications of this life-changing event, take a look at my helpful guide, comprised solely for the purpose of helping distressed young lovers navigate the tumultuous journey that is The First Conversation. As we all know, first impressions are key to forming a strong relationship, and it is for this reason that I have chosen to focus on the very beginning: the greeting. Below are 8 handy go-tos for those moments when you just aren’t sure how to get started!

1. “Why, good day, jolly old fellow! Cheerio, guv’nor!”
After all, nothing says I’m-sophisticated-and-elegant-and-mature-and-secretly-desperate-to-be-your-girlfriend like some well-executed British.

2. “Hi there QT (; ”
Because nothing turns a guy on like emoticons. And, as an added bonus, this paves the way for future meaningful conversations like:
-“143, baby. 143.”
-“just LOL’d! u r 2 funny. Xoxo!”
-“chillax @ d8 2moro?”
-“Ikisiwg2cctonotsptugtlri,bijstcod4m&icecntmpl8lafts4mt5saat…uu?” Translation: “I know I said I was going to come see the opening night of the school play that you got the lead role in, but I just started this Call of Duty 4 marathon and I can’t even contemplate looking away from the screen for more than five seconds at a time…you understand?”

3. “I come in peace, earthling…”
Now really, who doesn’t secretly nurse a hidden alien obsession? There’s never a bad time to invoke an extraterrestrial reference! Am I right, or am I right!

4. Try a “greetings!” poem.
Not quite at a Shakespearean level yet? Here’s an example that’s sure to land you your eye candy:
Words cannot express how much you mean to me.
In our magical world, you’re the Ron to my Hermione.
You’re the salt to my pepper, the Lilo to my Stitch.
I don’t even care that your ex-girlfriend was such a…witch.

5. “I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with you.”
Now, I know what you’re thinking: too forward? A bit brash? A tad presumptuous considering you’ve only known the guy for a little over a week? Nonsense! While some people might run and hide from this type of language, the evidence shows that if you want to snag the dreamiest guys, this is the line for you!

6. “Yo yo yo, wassup R’alphAY drizzle!” (feel free to replace “Ralph” with the name of your lovemonkey)
You’re hip, you’re hop, you’re happening. You’re a cool cat, as urban as an outfitter. You’re all that and a bag of chips. You’re da bomb, home skillet. You can boogie with the best of ‘em. You’re the shiz-nit. You’re nifty, groovy, funky, and neat-o all wrapped into one, baby.
And this is the perfect way to convey all of that to your future mizz-an. Word.

7. “你好”
To demonstrate that you’re accepting of all cultures!

8. “Hi!” And then five seconds later: “Oh, sorry! I must have typed in the wrong chat box. That was intended for my boyfriend, a student/alien/Zac Efron/Snuggie/marshmallow hybrid.”
Connections are everything, people. Gone are the days when you could make your prospective honeydoodle jealous simply by telling him you had a boyfriend. Nowadays, you’ve got to really make him understand the competition if you want to seal the deal! Remember, plausibility is key, but don’t worry; try out this line and you’ll be picking out window treatments together before you know it!

Type away, lovebirds!

We're going to combine #1 with #5; our crush won't be able to resist us! Which greeting is your fave?

Related post: A Guide To Flirting on Facebook Walls