Auntie SparkNotes: The Ballad of the Control Freak

Auntie,
Hi there! My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years, and lately he's been restricting to me. What I mean is, he doesn't want me to do certain things like play online games where I can talk to people, doesn't want me to text other guys or really even talk to other guys. And, just to be clear, I'm only ever platonic with male acquaintances. I've made male friends and he's flipped his pancakes because I was texting them or even just talking to them. Being the opinionated free thinker that I am, it ticks me off in huge amounts. A large part of me rebels purely because I'm having limitations put on me, and the other smaller part says 'He's not being that ridiculous, he's just afraid you'll meet someone better.'

I've talked to him about it a lot and there really doesn't seem to be a middle ground. I don't want to break up because I do really like being with him, but it's frustrating me to the point that we now fight a lot. Please, any advice on how to deal with this would be great.

Well, of course there's no middle ground, Sparkler! Because middle ground, by its very definition, is only possible in situations where both parties have justifiable and reasonable goals—like, for instance, the difference-splitting that occurs when you prefer deep-dish pizza but your boyfriend loves thin crust.

Whereas no matter how you try to spin it, there is nothing justifiable or reasonable about trying to control someone else's life.

That's what your boyfriend is doing, and it's completely and totally not okay. No, not even if your boyfriend is afraid of you meeting someone better. No, not even if you did meet someone better, fell wildly in lust, and began a torrid affair. If he loves you, he should trust you. And if he doesn't trust you, then the solution isn't to slap restrictions on you; it's to break up. Because not only is this sort of controlling behavior a precursor to abuse (and it is, so watch out), but it completely misses the point of having a romantic relationship in the first place.

Which is, of course, CHOICE.

Love is all about choice. Two people meet, fall in love, and commit to a relationship—and the romance of it is, they continue to choose said relationship even when surrounded by other eligible prospects who are funnier, handsomer, or rock-harder-of-abdominals.

And that's why, completely apart from its controlling overtones, your boyfriend's behavior is so problematic—and so, so sad, because people who approach relationships like this will never experience real love. Without free will, love doesn't exist. (And unfortunately, this is also the reason why this type of behavior can so often escalate into abuse; the need for control is never satisfied.) Think about it: even your BF successfully cuts off your contact with other guys, all he gets is a girlfriend who stays with him not because she thinks he's the most wonderful person in the world, but because he kept her under emotional lock and key.

Not exactly romantic, is it?

For your relationship to continue, your boyfriend will have to accept that. And unfortunately, this is non-negotiable. Either he knocks off the rules and restrictions and puts his trust in you—and acknowledges that the only relationship worth having is one in which both parties are there by choice—or you choose to be gone.

Got something to say? Leave your comments below! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: I'm Dissatisfied with Your Relationship