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Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 35

Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 35

Chapter Thirty-Five: Deadline
Better Title: And then there were five.

This is it, gang. Five more chapters to go. Five blogs away from the finale. It's so close, I can almost taste it, and it tastes like electric cupcakes. I started this assignment in May of 2009. Now, nearly two years later, I'm more than ready to wrap things up. Do you know what it's like to have a teenage grump talk to you for month after month about her wonderful vampire boyfriend and her horrible perfect life? I'd rather eat olives. Honest to God, olives! Yes, I started writing, "I don't care," after every one of her sentences. But that doesn't help. It only cramps my hand.

Luckily, this chapter is short. The J. Jenks nonsense is wrapped up, and the chapter ends with the vampires standing in the forest clearing, waiting for the Volturi, who are no doubt traveling to Forks via Razor Scooters. (Marcus, however, can't seem to get the hang of it. His feet are too large for the slender metal board, so he's running after his buddies dragging the scooter behind him while screaming, "Wait up, guys! Come on! Guys!")

The J. Jenks mystery seems misplaced in the story, and slows down an already sluggish plot. I understand that Optimus must be protected and needs a false passport if there's any hope at all that she will escape the massacre. It's creepy that Jacob will become her father/lover, but at this point, if one of the vampires shouted, "I want to make love to a rooster," I wouldn't even flinch. But I don't know why this J. Jenks subplot is dragged out. I also don't know why Breaking Dawn wasn't just 30 pages tacked on to the end of Eclipse, but it's too late to go back now. I also don't know why it still feels like my sunglasses are resting on top of my head when it's been three hours since I removed them. My guess: Ghost glasses. (Kind of scared.)

Bella escapes from her master Edward long enough to hop in the Volvo and sneak off to meet with Jenks and pick up the forged documents. She joins the sleazy lawyer at a fancy restaurant, and the handoff is made. There's some talk with Jenks, but it doesn't go anywhere, or mean anything. Maybe the Jenks subplot isn't so misplaced in this story after all. SSSSSSNAP!

With the paperwork handled, Bella drives home in the dark night. She doesn't bother turning on the car's headlights because she can drive faster without them. That makes a lot of sense. Light waves emitted by the headlights would obviously have a negative force on the car's momentum, similar to the way a flashlight will shoot out of your hand the moment you turn it on if you're not careful. (Scientific Sarcasm Hand.)

I know. I know. Bella doesn't turn on the headlights because it would attract attention from the cops. Cops can't see silver Volvos at night. It's a well-known fact.

Back at home, she notices the other vampires are out killing innocent human beings, one of whom was probably a pediatric nurse who helped soothe frightened children about to have tonsil surgery. That nurse lived 300 miles away from Bella, so it's OK that she'll never see another sunrise or experience another hug.

Bella, who has so far equated the guilt of causing serial murder to a feeling of mild discomfort, now comes out and says, "I tried not to think of their hunting in the night, cringing at the mental picture of their victims." That's very nice of yo,u Bella. Try very hard not to think of the dozens and dozens of people being slaughtered because you couldn't keep it in your pants until after you became a vampire. You're so very brave.

With the house to herself, Bella snoops around Alice and Jasper's room looking for cash. She wants to send Optimus and Jacob off with enough money to get them someplace safe. She finds thousands and thousands of dollars just lying around, and stuffs the money into a small backpack/purse that Optimus can carry. (Kids are well known for their ability to handle huge responsibility and thousands of dollars.) She also writes goodbye letters to her daughter, Jacob, and her parents, and stuffs them in the purse as well.

She hopes Alice will be able to find Jacob and Optimus and help keep them safe with Jasper's patented sideways maneuver. However, Alice's powers don't apply to Jake or Optimus, so she won't be able to locate them easily. To help Alice, Bella thinks long and hard about Rio de Janeiro, making a clear decision to send Jake there. She writes it down in big capital letters, because I guess Alice is an idiot child who responds best to large fonts.

Bella hopes Jacob will take up the mission of learning about vampire/human hybrids in South America. Oh yeah! Optimus is still growing at a super fast rate and will probably die of old age soon. She didn't receive medical attention earlier because Bella and Edward were too busy having sex for three months to care for their daughter's health. They are great parents. (Sarcasm spit.)

In South America, Jake can track down the mysterious cleaning woman who seemingly knows everything about everything, but for reasons too complex for Stephenie Meyer to explain, cannot be reached by simple telephone.

So the backup plan to send Optimus with Jacob is set. There's not much to do now but wait for the Volturi to arrive. They should be here any day now, as they travel across the country via bumper cars. According to Alice's vision, they will strike after the first snowfall. When snow is in the forecast, Edward and Carlisle hang out in the forest clearing, trying to lure the Volturi to this battlefield.

Bella, Jacob, and Optimus camp out in the forest too. The other werewolves are patrolling the woods, willing and ready to chomp down on some bad vamps. My love of the wolves grows and grows. Baby-dating aside, these furry warriors are dependable and brave. Think about it: the wolves have nothing to gain. Sure, Jake ordered his pack to protect Optimus, but Sam and the others are helping out simply because werewolves are badass soldiers whose only purpose is to fight evil. I just wish they didn't fall in love with children so often.

If the tables were turned, and the wolves needed help from the Cullens to fend off a huge army of evil, do you honestly think the Cullens would lend a hand? Emmett might, because his drug of choice is fist violence. But I can't see Rosalie jumping up and down screaming, "I wanna help the wolf-people! Yay!"

Werewolves are great. But why do they have to love babies? Why? It's not fair! It's just not fair to ruin such awesome characters. If Stephenie Meyer wrote Star Wars, Han Solo would say, "My ship is the fastest in the galaxy, and by the way, I think girls are scary and I live with my mom."

I wish I were a werewolf. All the calf flexing I've done in the past two years has left me with nothing but sore legs and a beard. I guess that's close to being a werewolf. I did kill a deer with my mouth last night, but I didn't feel super powerful and mighty. I just felt sad…and sticky.

Bella pulls Optimus aside and has a heart-to-heart talk with the three-month-old baby. She tells her daughter that there may be a time when she must leave with Jacob and run away. Optimus doesn't like that, but quickly understands her mother's words, as she touches the locket in a gesture so heart-wrenching it made me burp.

This section is quite sad and tragic…if I believed for one minute that Bella was in any danger. Come on. I know Stephy Meyer too well by this point. There's no way in hell Bella or Edward will be harmed in any way. Not even a paper cut will befall the woman so perfect that if you say her name underwater, a legion of dolphins will swim towards you, offering gifts of coral necklaces and gowns made of mermaid scales. Bella won't die. She won't. I bet everything I have on this, even my secret recipe for peanut butter Corn Flake candy.

Bella. Will. Not. Die.

And so this gut-wrenching farewell is laughable at best and sleep inducing at worst. It's like watching a Bugs Bunny cartoon in which Bugs gathers his loved ones and says, "I am about to be hunted by a short, angry, malformed man who has a speech impediment. I'm not sure I will survive. I want you all to know how much I love and care about you. Don't cry, for my spirit lives on in your hearts and minds. Farewell. Time to die."

We all know Bugs isn't going to die. Even if he's shot in the face at point-blank range, his only injury will be a gun-powdered face and crooked ears. Bella is Bugs Bunny, except less likable and much less believable.

This scene is a waste of time because there's nothing at risk here. This is why a good story teller will actually set up real consequences for the characters. Not to belabor the Harry Potter comparisons, but in those books you knew that any character could die after the fourth book, because J.K. Rowling killed off Cedric. There was something to be lost.

Not here. Not ever.

The chapter ends with all the vampires standing at the ready as the snow softly falls. It's dramatic and tense, and I hope that the next chapter actually includes a decent fight instead of Bella telling us what it's like to touch snow as a vampire for 30 pages.

112 chapters of Twilight down. Four more to go.

Murmurs: 1 (Book total: 89)
Mutters: 1 (Book total: 55)


BELLA: My darling child, I'm giving you this backpack. Inside is a lot of money and important information. Please be careful, dewdrop.
OPTIMUS: You can count on me, mommy! I'll be a super good!
BELLA: You are so brave and smart for a three-month-old.
JACOB: So you want me to run away with Optimus…alone? Like, alone-alone?
BELLA: Yes. You will be her father and guardian, and I want you to…why are you wearing that satin robe?
JACOB: Um…it helps me run.
BELLA: And where is that Barry White music coming from?
JACOB: My phone. The sexy sounds of B. W. helps me run.
BELLA: And why are you lighting scented candles? I suppose that helps you run, too.
JACOB: Yes, particularly the candle called Night XXX-tasy.
BELLA: And the coconut body oil?
JACOB: I thought everyone slathered on body oil when trying to hide. No? Hmm.
BELLA: What it is, my little snow pea?
OPTIMUS: I accidentally lost the backpack.
BELLA: What?!
OPTIMUS: I just wanted to see if it would float in the river. And it did. And now it's gone. And I'm sorry. And I want Popsicles for dinner.
BELLA: But…but…the money? It's gone? And Jacob, why are you running an ice cube over your body in a suggestive manner?
JACOB: Helps me run. [Looks at Optimus] Who's your daddy, princess?
QUIL: My girlfriend cries when she vomits because she thinks vomit is her organs.

Sad that Blogging Twilight is winding down? So are we. Revisit all the old magic here!

Topics: Books
Tags: blogging twilight, blogging breaking dawn

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