The 10 Types of Prom Royalty

The prom king and queen are more than just pretty faces with stupid head accessories. These wondrous people must rule over the entire prom, governing the event with diplomacy, or in most cases, iron firsts. They have complete control over everything, and as stated in a line towards the end of the U.S. Constitution, prom kings and queens are above the law, answering to no one. And you probably thought it was all a popularity contest, didn’t you?

You may wind up with a variety of different prom monarchs, some good, some less good. Here’s a quick rundown of the various types of kings and queens. Keep this in mind before you cast your vote and make the most important decision of your life.

1. The Popular Pretties
This is the obvious and clichéd type of prom ruler. PPs are pretty, charming, socially adept, and smiley. They are walking, talking reality show participants, complete with fake drama. You shouldn’t be jealous. The popular pretties will always lose their cell phones at prom. Always. It’s hilarious.

2. The Movie Ending Pair
One of these students (typically the king) is popular; the other is a former wallflower who, through acts of either kindness or raw hate, has been shoved into the spotlight for one glorious moment. By the end of the night, so many lessons will be learned that instead of calling it a prom, they should call it the University of Life. And then the next day, everything goes back to being the same, because this isn’t a movie, and real life is a harsh, ugly witch.

3. Teacher’s Pets
In some schools, the teachers pick the prom king and queen to avoid fights and voter fraud. This makes a lot of sense, because the person you want choosing your king and queen is someone who still pronounces Facebook as two words. (That noise you hear is our eyes rolling violently.)

4. The Double Movie Ending Pair
Some kings and queens lack popularity, good looks, and charisma. Instead of being high school all-stars, these two have lived tragic lives, lives so horrible that even talking about them will win you an Academy Award. The student body bans together to give these two unfortunate souls one night to remember. It’s touching. It’s sweet. It still doesn’t make up for that one time you made fun of these kids, jerk! A $20 Olive Garden gift card might help, though.

5. The Winner McWinnertons: The Couple Who Actually Try To Win
Some people want to win badly. This competitive spirit is a great asset should you want to be a CEO or bowler, but it seems really, really, really, really sad when you want to win a prom crown. It’s not like bowling, after all. Do not vote for these eager beavers. These superficial people should be avoided at all costs, unless they have a pool.

6. The Bathroom Princess
Before becoming Queen, this individual will start sobbing uncontrollably at precisely 10:42 pm. She will be escorted to the bathroom by her army of handlers, where screams of, “He said he didn’t text her, but he did,” will drown out the blaring Rihanna song coming from the DJ’s speakers. And then—as if smacked on the head by a magic wand—this girl's tears will vanish, and she will accept her role as Queen with smiles and laughter. 46 seocnds later, she will be crying again, this time about a broken shoe strap.

7. The Sneaker Guy
One guy always wears sneakers. Sometimes, Sneaker Guy wins the coveted crown, at which point he will remove his shirt, or use his tie as a bandana. Congratulations, Sneaker Guy. We’re yawning because we’re so impressed with your non-conformist, free spirit attitude. Yawning = non-conformist applause.

8. Mr. and Ms. Wonderful
The all-around great students are usually too busy with college applications and their five-year-life-plans to worry about something as silly as prom. When they win, they accept the title graciously and then make a dignified exit so they can prepare for the 2012, 2014, and the secret 2015 Olympic Games. They will donate the sash to charity and melt the crowns down to make farm tools for developing nations.

9. What's-Her-Name and That Guy
You may be having too much fun to actually pay attention to the crowning ceremony. That’s OK. No one ever died because they couldn’t recall the names of their homecoming king and queen. (Except this guy we knew named Flips Thomson, and this other guy we knew named Randy, and our old roommate, and our old landlord, and the dinosaurs.)

10. You
Yes, you. You could win. And it would be awesome! We’re not just saying that because we want to try on the crown and use your sash as blanket for our pet snake. Honest. (But we do call dibs on the snake blanket…if you don’t want it.)

What are your prom king and queen like?

Related post: Prom Queen Application