Auntie SparkNotes: Friends With Caveats

Dear Auntie,
Due to some strange series of events I made new friends. The problem is, they aren't like any of my old friends. My friends and I are nerds who don't do dangerous things or get into any trouble and these new guys, who I refer to as space cowboys, do. There isn't a way to describe them without insulting them. I pride myself on being open and non judgmental so I got to know them. They are really nice, funny guys who like Star Wars and classic rock but that doesn't mean they still aren't rule breaking, pot smoking slackers. One of them keeps saying we should all hang out, but I just can't. Their idea of hanging out and having fun involves getting high. First of all, my parents would never allow it. Secondly, even if they promised they wouldn't smoke, I still wouldn't feel comfortable being with them alone. How can I tell him I can never hang out with them without sounding like a judgmental hypocrite? I can't keep saying "I'm busy" for the rest of my life.

Well, why not tell them the truth?

Just sit down, look them in the eye, and say, "Look, I'd like to hang out—but my parents aren't gonna go for it. And honestly, I'm not sure it's the best idea; I like you guys, but the pot-smoking totally wigs me out."

That's honest, judgment-free communication—and if the Space Cowboys are truly your friends, then they'll shrug it off and let it go. Or alternately, they'll come up with a plan for an hour or two of totally wholesome, approved-for-all-audiences activity that even you can get comfy with. Like, say, baking brownies.

...Okay, bad example. But you get the idea.

But while you're owning up to your totally-legit reservations about being in the presence of less-than-legal substances, may I suggest that you give yourself the honesty treatment as well? Because while you seem highly invested in not being judgmental, your letter reads rather differently—not only do you seem to be judging these guys, but you also seem think you're doing them a favor by deigning to be friendly with them at all.

Of course, I'm not challenging your assertion that your Space Cowboys are, indeed, rule-breaking, pot-smoking slackers. But if that really bothers you (and more to the point, if it bothers you so much that you can't imagine spending extracurricular time with them even if you're doing nothing but innocuous, legal, G-rated activities) then these guys aren't really your friends—for the simple reason that you don't trust them.

And if that's the case? It's okay. But you've gotta be honest with yourself about how you feel! If you're really friends with these guys because you believe that they're worthwhile, wonderful people—despite their occasional rule-breaking or use of illegal substances—then you shouldn't have reservations about hanging out. (At least as long as they promise to keep all activities on the level.)

And if, on the other hand, you believe that their pot-smoking and off-slacking means that they're dangerous, untrustworthy people—people around whom you're so uncomfortable that you need to make excuses to avoid being alone with them—then... well, why is it that you want to be friends, again?

Basically: you either like, respect and trust these guys... or you don't. And if you really believe that "there's no way to describe them without insulting them"—even after you just described them as nice and funny— then maybe you're not as untroubled by their extracurricular activities as you think.

How do you handle mismatched friendships? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.

Related post: Auntie SparkNotes: Zero Is the Loneliest Number of Friends