Megan's Life Lessons: How to Make Anyone Fall Mad-Hot In Love With You

Today is a day of romance. If you want today to not suck, then you need to know as much as you can about squishy, gushy, fluffy, yummy love. You gotta know how to snap the trap, cook the chicken, reel ‘em in, fry ‘em up, and turn the heat thermometer to SEXY HOT LOVIN’ DEGREES. THAT’S IN FAHRENHEIT.

And that’s why I have taken it upon myself to be your personal love doctor.  Because I want to help you, mostly in order to distract from the pain of my own dead love life. Just kidding, I totally have a love life. In fact, I’m with a boy right now. It’s true. Really. He’s kissing me. While I type. Um. Yeah. Moving on.

I’m going to reveal to you three secrets that are guaranteed to make a member of the opposite sex bow down and adore you as much as I adore Jimmer Fredette. Did you know Jimmer is my permanent Valentine? He doesn’t either. YAY!!!! Let the learning begin.

Secret #1: The eyes are the organs of hot hot love. Your eyes serve many purposes. They see things. They look at stuff. They distinguish light from dark. They allow you to gaze upon the glorious elfin beauty that is Legolas. They tell you when to not cross the street so that you do not die from cars. But a little known fact is that they also make you fall mad-hot in love. It’s true!  I’m not kidding.  This next sentence is something that you can take seriously: eyes contain flirting magic. You can take that to the bank. They probably won’t give you money for it, though. Unless it’s an eyeball bank.  Anyway, use these techniques to lasso the crap out of anyone’s heart:

1. Gaze. Intently. Gaze like you’ve never gazed before. Seriously, look right into a person's eyeballs and it will increase their feelings of affection and adoration and stuff. Why? Because of science. That's why.

2. Think happy thoughts. You can’t be all serious when gazing, or else you’ll scare the stomach out of anyone you’re looking at, and not in a good way.  YOU’RE PETER PAN FROM NOW ON.  Besides, thinking happy, pretty, sexy thoughts make your pupils dilate for some reason, which makes you more attractive. Go figure. I guess you could also use those pupil dilating drops, but that would be stupid because you’d look hot but you’d also run into walls because you’d be half blind. So. There’s that reality.

3. Linger. Even after you’ve finished talking, continue to gaze lovingly for just a few seconds longer than you usually would. It makes the brain go, “WHOA THAT PERSON IS SEXY-FINE!” and then next thing you know it, you’re on a romantic dinner to Taco Bell with your loveski. Just don’t do this:

Secret #2: Conversation is key unless you are in love with a baby. Which is gross. Don’t do that. If you want some hot hot lovin’, you’re going to need to interest your potential date in who you are as a person. I know, it’s lame. But it can’t be avoided. At some point, you are going to have to talk. Here are some inappropriate conversation topics:

1. The advantages of band-aids versus  a raw, open wound.

2. The science behind farting.

3. My blog. Sigh.

4. Wedding arrangements.

5. Ex love interests.

6. Poop.

7. How much you love Justin Bieber after seeing his new movie.

8. Your blood elf mage on World of Warcraft.

Got it? Good. Now that you know what NOT to talk about, let’s discuss what is okay to talk about. Refer to this handy chart:

Secret #3: Being yourself will sometimes not work. You’ve probably been told for your whole life that you are a special, unique flower in the garden of life, and that if you are true to yourself you can never fail at relationships because inside of you is a precious, wonderful world of magic just waiting to explode into existence!  No. No, this is not true. Rather, some people will not like some other people, and you have to find people who will luvvv you for who you really are. What do I mean by this?  All I mean is that sometimes relationships don’t work out. Sometimes you’re just not meant for that kid you dated for a week in the fifth grade. I know. It hurts. But that’s why you go for someone who has similar interests and values and who doesn’t remember you as the girl who got stuck in a locker for an hour in middle school. Yeah.

On a completely unrelated note, if you or anyone you know is a male of at least medium intelligence and you can relate to the following drawing, you may contact me via facebook. Please. Love me.

We don't know any boys, but if we did, we wouldn't give them to Megan. We would keep them for ourselves.

Related post: How To Kiss All Sexy-Like