Dear Jono,
I am a junior in high school and have never had a boyfriend. Ever. One thing that always happens to me when I am around a cute guy or a guy I like is that I can start to act weird, hyper or extremely energetic. I get so nervous that I don’t know what to say and end up blurting out whatever I think. Can you give me some tips on what to say in front of a guy and how to act so as not to scare him, weird him out, etc. Thank you very much.
First of all, boys are like bees: they're more afraid of you than you are of them. And when they dislike you, it stings. And they enjoy honey.
It's understandable to freak out in these situations, though. Half the time I try to introduce myself to girls, I feel like I'm watching from the sidelines as I blather about video games and make convoluted bee analogies. I'm not sure if that makes me really qualified or really unqualified to advise you here, but I do know terrible advice when I see it, and this subject invites so much bad advice it's a shock that humanity still goes on dates sometimes. Let's start with what not to do.
"Practice on some ugly guy."
I understand the idea here—practice Dudechat without the pressure of real attraction—but this is like honing your debate skills by arguing with a baby. He'll be wide-eyed, incoherent, and overcome by the sudden attention. You'll get no meaningful practice, and later on he will cry (either because he's confused by your insincerity or because he is a baby).
"Practice on your male friends."
Better, but still not ideal. You can discuss dude-oriented subjects, and your conversational partner won't devolve into a stammering wreck just because you have girl parts. The goal here is obviously not to lead your friends on; you just want to get comfortable enough with Dudechat that it feels familiar and doesn't make you babble like a loon.
"Get the guy talking about himself."
Bingo. Do this. Ask him about his Wavves shirt, football jersey, or the fact that he is dressed like an elf (assuming he is a hipster, jock, or LARPer, respectively). You'll get to know him, you'll seem attentive, and you'll have few opportunities to blurt out something terrifically stupid, because you'll mostly just be nodding and congratulating him on his team or his cloak or whatever.
Onto the next step!
Dear Jono:
Is there a way for a girl to subtly let a guy know that she likes him (and she is hoping to find out if he likes her) without plainly coming out and simply saying “Hey, I like you!” Or should said girl just wait (in tortured agony) for the boy to just come out and say it himself? And will he ever? Thanks!
Let's be honest here: unless you're an emotionless robot, you're probably already subtly indicating your interest by paying attention to the dude. And even if you are a robot, he probably sees through your beeps and bloops and feigned disinterest. He might just be afraid to make the first move. It's no easier for him than it is for you.
There's a metric boatload of bad advice on this one, too, but I'll be brief: don't try to tip him off with weird Machiavellian intrigue. No mysterious "Someone likes you!" notes on his locker; they accomplish nothing except to make the guy check under his bed for wild-eyed stalkers. No confounding games of Telephone where you tell a friend "I secretly like Ricky!" and then the message gets passed through like ten people and finally he gets the rumor that secretly, bikes are tricky! Please just do this in person.
I suggest inviting the guy to something that could be a kinda sorta date, but could also be completely platonic. It's easier to ask someone to study with you or have coffee than it is to say, "Here are all my feelings! Please don't trample all over them. Oh no, you did."
The beauty of setting up a potentially-plutonic hangout is that you can completely disavow that it was a date if you have to, but if he is interested, he'll get it. If you invite a guy to study trig with you, and he's interested, he's not sitting there thinking, "HERP DERP, COSINES AND TRIANGLES ARE EXCITING." He gets what's happening here. You're communicating your interest without necessarily committing to it.
Now all that's left is the makeouts.
Dear Jono,
I've asked this question to numerous friends, but they've all given different answers. Also, they were all girls. And you're a guy (although you probably already know that). SO.
I've never been kissed. I'm 16. If I'm with a guy and it's looking like a kiss is coming, do I tell him that? Do I tell him after it happens? Do I never say anything about it ever ever ever? I'm confused. Help a Sparkler out!
The fact that you're even wondering about this is a sign you might be overthinking it. Don't. And don't worry. Kissing is completely intuitive. Mouth plus different mouth equals success. It just happens, and worrying about it is like worrying about how you will will eat your next sandwich.
That said, I'd reserve your "I've never done this" revelation until afterward, either if you really feel inclined to mention it or if you somehow screwed up by missing the dude's face entirely. But that won't happen! Everything will go just fine, and there is almost no chance that you will accidentally headbutt the other person in the eye. This is something I have assuredly never done and it was not embarrassing or anything. And if I had, well, I survived, and you will, too.
Do you think the last letter-writer should tell her bf she's a lip virgin?
Related Post: Ask Jono: Dudes Feeling Feelings
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