What To Do When You Can't Sleep: The Airplane Edition

SparkE324 is either going to get you a great night's sleep or get you arrested. It's a win-win.—Sparkitors

The time has come: you’re at that point where sleep is so close you can touch it. You’re sinking into that beautiful, restorative trance. You’re so excited for this moment, you almost CAN’T sleep. But you do. After three seconds of blissful slumber, you hear a freight train, a helicopter, an ambulance ,and a chainsaw all coming at you at once. You jolt forward, bang your head on the seat in front of you, and are about to have a panic attack when you realize that there is no chainsaw-helicopter hybrid coming for your blood; the noise you heard is simply the absurdly loud snoring of the passenger beside you. You apologize to everyone, because the impact of your skull on the seat ahead of you caused a massive domino effect of passengers smashing their craniums into the seats in front of them, and after it all settles down and every single flight attendant has given you the death glare, you discover that sleep is completely unattainable. So in your sleeplessness, you develop a list of things that will help pass the bazillion hours the next time you’re stuck on that 747 Non-Stop flight to Kingdom Come.

WARNING: Most of the items on this list will NOT score you any Brownie Points with the flight attendants. But since they don’t even give you peanuts without charging a million dollars to your credit card, what do you have to lose? Well, besides your life when they throw you off the plane…

1. Cover the eyes of the person next to you during the kissing scenes during the movie. Say, “Don’t look!” And in a creepy, whispering voice, add “They’re KISSING!”

2. Draw the pilot a picture. Draw stick figures, a unicorn and a gothic-style rainbow (shooting lightning bolts at planes, no less) on a sheet of paper and ask the flight attendant to deliver it to the pilot. Make sure you put your name and seat number in the upper right-hand corner. You never know; the pilot might mention you in between the temperature of your Destination and Estimated Time of Arrival!

3. Bring a traveling companion. Bring a toy/Barbie/truck/panda. Name it.  Introduce your traveling companion to everyone on the plane. Bring a camera and ask your seatnate, “May I take your picture with my Barbie? Her name is Hubert McFredward.“  Works every time.

4. During the TV Show/Movie, yell out your favorite part so the whole plane can hear. Scream “OH. MY. WORD, THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART!” This is especially effective if you use it at an awkward moment, like when someone gets hit by a rogue houseboat.

5. Have an extra personality ready in your personal item. Should you have extra room, pack a ridiculous wig and an extra outfit (complete with shoes and I Love Dan Bergstein fedora), and practice speaking in a random accent. Midway through the flight, don on your new look in the bathroom. Return to your seat and begin talking with your new accent, asking fellow passengers all kinds of embarrassing questions. Enjoy!

6. Walk from the back of the plane to the front, ninja-style. Use your ninja skills to roll, lurch, moonwalk, flip, jump, and slide down the plane's corridor. Bonus points if you flap your arms like wings and repeat, “Caw, caw” as you go. Double bonus points if you do all of the above AND get to your seat without the flight attendants drop-tackling you.

What's your strategy for getting through long flights?

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