As the infinitely sagacious resident Resident Assistant of SparkNotes, I took it upon myself to go to the local theater and take in the new horror/thriller movie The Roommate. My goal? To present you, dear Sparklers, with an objective, honest review of the film as it pertains to dorm life. My other goal? To devour a “kiddy pack,” which is this amazing deal where you get a cute little box of popcorn, a small drink, and gummy snacks for only 5 bucks!
The latter goal accomplished, this week’s post will address the former goal in an epistolary fashion. In an effort to ensure that no such movie is ever produced again, I have decided to compose my review of The Roommate in the form of a letter addressed to Sony Pictures. Please read along.
Dear Sony Pictures,
I didn’t like your movie.
Let’s talk specifics. Here are the top 5 reasons The Roommate stunk:
1. It was not scary or thrilling. Sony Bologna, when you market your own movie as a thriller, shouldn't you give viewers some thrills? Your cheap gags and weird obsession with pain was overly trite, and usually just embarrassing.
2. Bad morals! SP, do you come from a broken parent company or something? I was appalled by the portrayal of college students in this film. FYI, not every college guy’s foremost goal in life is to sleep with as many drunk freshmen as possible. On the flip side, not every college girl WANTS to be slept with by nasty frat boys who pretend to play the drums.
3. Single White Female: Remember way back in 1992 when the movie Single White Female came out? Sure, I was just a little tyke, but thanks to Wikipedia, I discovered that the plots of The Roommate and SWF are nearly identical! As a certified college student and English major, I can tell you a lot about plagiarism. Oh yes, I watched the credits, SP. Way to NOT cite your sources.
4. Plot holes: This movie is “holier” than George Weasley in HP7. Between the half-told back stories, the convenient “mallet-from-nowhere” in the final fight seen, and the dead ex-boyfriend who is probably still rotting in his hotel room, this film is so laughably spliced together I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and pretending it was intentional.
5. Space Cadet Sarah: Who decided that Sarah, the bimbo main character who supposedly got into Brown, is also 20 points below the average IQ? I know The Roommate is supposed to be a horror/thriller, but that doesn’t mean everyone deserves only half a brain. Even a small child can tell you that the crazy girl who isn’t taking her medication and who tattooed your sister’s name on her boob is probably the one who stole your treasured necklace, got your professor conveniently fired, and tied your bff to a bed.
The girl sitting behind me in the theater summarized the spirit of your movie perfectly when she said, “I want this movie to be over so I can go to Chipotle.”
Sony, follow my syllogism: I am a college student
College students have no money
Therefore: I have no money.
Sony Pictures (may I call you SP?), why did you take my money?
I hope you are aware that despite this ever-plummeting economy, the price of movie tickets has only increased. I will never again see the eleven dollars I shelled out to see your crappy movie. That's eleven dollars I could have donated to some poor, hungry child across the globe, or some one-eyed kitten in a shelter. Instead, that hard-earned eleven dollars was spent on a lie. SP, you lied to me. You made this nifty trailer for a movie that wasn’t worth my time (or eleven dollars!) and then didn’t even apologize for deceiving me.
I expect better next time. Please refer to the return address on the envelope for my refund.
Thank you for your time,
Lindsay E. Puvel, RA and vigilante
There you have it, Sparklers: my honest and objective review of The Roommate. I hope after reading my correspondence you will avoid this debacle. If you’ve seen it already, I’m sorry I didn’t get to you in time; let’s grieve together.
Call us crazy, but this review makes us want to check out the movie! Have you seen it yet?
Related post: Confessions of an RA: The Roommate Experience, Part 2
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