Flyergirl13 Tells You How—To Be an Evil Genius
flyergirl sure knows a lot about being a successful bad guy. Should we be worried?—Sparkitors
There’s a reason that the villains in the movies never win: they all make the same stupid mistakes. You’d think they would have learned after that it's never a good idea to spill the secret plans of your entire operation, to strap a bunch of dynamite to your face, or to gloat before killing your mortal enemy. Just kill him fast, or I promise he will escape and then come back to defeat you. Guaranteed.
Just in case you were planning to pursue a career in villainy (I hear they offer it as a standard course at most major universities) I’ve created this handy guide of things to do (and NOT to do) if you ever end up in a position of villainous power. You may consider this your Evil Villain Bible.
Step One: The Outfit. There are a few accessories (bowie knife, helmet with mind-reading abilities, well-tailored pants) which are absolutely imperative to being a successful evil genius. There are also some garments that are not recommended for this line of work.
DO: Wear gloves, preferably leather elbow-length ones that look evil when you squeeze your hand menacingly. They will also allow you to commit crimes without leaving any fingerprints. And, buy a cat. Stroke said cat with an evil grin and evil laugh.
DON’T: Wear any sort of outfit that might A. make you look ridiculous or 2. prevent your escape in an emergency. Also, don’t mix up your letters and numbers.
Step Two: Keep Objects Safe. Obviously, you will have an object that your enemy/the hero is pursuing and will stop at nothing to posses. You also have an object that is your one weakness.
DO: Keep these precious objects in a simple safe-deposit box. I don’t recommend storing this box past the Flaming River and Flesh-Eating Dragons, atop The Mountain of Doom, Pain, and Eternal Torment. No matter what obstacles you put in the way, the hero will surpass them somehow.
DON’T: Install any type of self-destruction device. If one is absolutely necessary, I strongly suggest you don’t make it a large red button labeled “Self-Destruct.” In fact, it would be a good idea to hide it, not place it conspicuously on your control panel. Same goes for the on/off switch.
Step Three: Take All Precautions, Even If They Seem Stupid. Putting all the captured heroes in the same cell block in your dungeon is ludicrous. The best idea is to forgo the whole imprisonment thing and just kill them all. What? Don’t look at me like that. You’re supposed to be evil, remember?!
DO: When you capture the hero, also capture their little pet dog/monkey/armadillo/parrot that always follows them around. If you don’t, it will find a way to free the hero and/or annoy the bejeesus out of you.
DON’T: Give the cell key to every Average Joe guard you have on duty. Have one key and keep it in your safe-deposit box with those special objects.
Step Four: Don’t Dilly-Dally. Quit wasting time gloating, explaining your plans to the hero, or only using parts of your army to conquer an entire civilization. This is stupid and will not get you anywhere.
DO: Send your whole army in at once. Don’t have them all standing around watching while individual men go in for one-on-one combat against the hero. Just converge on the guy and crush him.
DON’T: Waste time explaining your whole plan to the prisoner. This will only supply himm with information to use if he escapes. If you truly feel the necessity to brag about your unstoppable plan to someone, tell your cat.
Step Five: Check Your Fortress. Your fortress is what keeps you safe. Make sure it is absolutely impenetrable, with impossibly high walls that can't be breached, even by jetpack, hot air balloon, or nuclear helicopter.
DO: Hire an architect to examine the fortress and inform you of any potential weaknesses.
DON’T: Make your air ducts large enough for any do-gooder dude to crawl through them.
Tiny air ducts: CHECK. What are your tips for successful super-villainy?
Related post: Flyergirl13 Tells You How