The most-watched event in America is coming up, which by hipster standards already makes it worse than falling face-first into a pile of snakes. But what could be more ironic than a lazy "party" that "supports" the very thing you despise? (The Super Bowl, that is, not a party celebrating snake attacks, although that would be good too.)
The following guide to such a scenario is purely suggestive. You want to break with the traditional party format as much as possible, but as long as you have a bunch of people in a room ignoring the Super Bowl, you are winning the battle against sincerity.
Invitations
Due to the recent upsurge in irony, tons of people are all walking around being "ironic" by, like, wearing the hats they usually wear, but sideways! You must exclude these fake hipsters, and all of their caring about stuff.
Real Party: "Let's invite everyone early, to make sure we all get to enjoy The Big Game together!"
Your Party: Wait until long after people who actually like football have made plans, then send out half-hearted Facebook invites that somehow misspell "football" and contain no punctuation. Do not ever use the phrase "The Big Game."
Decorations
Real Party: "How many team-colored streamers is too many? No many, that's how many. Streamers everywhere! And let's break out the good punchbowl, which is a thing I have for some reason!"
Your Party: Ugh, even reading that should make you groan with uncaring. Tape up some clipart of golf equipment and go listen to Animal Collective.
Dress Code
Real Party: "Oh, you're wearing the $250 Ricky McQuarterback jersey? Well this is the $350 Ricky McQuarterback jersey. It has these stripes. They're hundred-dollar stripes."
Your Party: All the clothing in the room should cumulatively cost less than one NFL jersey. Guests should arrive in the clothes they would have worn any other day (tattered sweater vest, slim tie, opposite-gender jeans, stolen bowling shoes), clothes supporting teams that are not actually playing, or attire from a team that no longer exists and was from a different sport entirely. Since team camo is big this year, expect at least one person to arrive in ordinary camouflage and sit alone in the corner, looking sullen and speaking to no one. This will be the most dedicated hipster of all.
Watching the Game
Real Party: "Let's all watch this football game. Hooray, a good thing! Oh nooo, a bad thing!" Et cetera.
Your Party: People will pay little attention to the game, of course, and it will help your hipster cred to say stuff no football fan would ever possibly say. ("Oh, look at that guy, he's gonna do a bunch of footballs.") You can pass the time by commenting on players' appearances, as this game will features numerous men who look like marauding Vikings.
The true draw for hipsters will be the halftime show, featuring the Black Eyed Peas, who wrote a song Pitchfork called "so monumentally vacuous, slapped together and tossed-off that it truly tests the definition of 'song.'" Prepare your disdain for "My Humps" in advance.
Ground Rules
- Anyone arriving in a relevant jersey is not allowed inside, but may watch the party from outside in a snowdrift where he belongs.
- People may shout out football terms ("Offsides!" and "That was holding!" and so on) only if they could not possibly be correct, like if all the dudes are just standing around, or if it's during a Jiffy Lube commercial.
- Anyone who cheers when a Football Thing happens is banned.
What else does the ironic Super Bowl party have?
Related Post: 5 Reasons Hipsters Are the Worst
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